1 00:00:13,847 --> 00:00:18,319 TED: Kids, in life there are a lot of big romantic moments. 2 00:00:18,386 --> 00:00:19,987 And they make life worth living 3 00:00:20,054 --> 00:00:21,555 But here's the problem: 4 00:00:21,622 --> 00:00:24,225 moments pass, and lurking just around the corner 5 00:00:24,292 --> 00:00:28,562 from those moments is a cruel, unshaven bastard 6 00:00:28,629 --> 00:00:29,797 named reality. 7 00:00:29,863 --> 00:00:32,200 And so, back in 2006, 8 00:00:32,266 --> 00:00:34,868 on the night of Claudia and Stuart's wedding, 9 00:00:34,935 --> 00:00:36,470 reality was the enemy. 10 00:00:36,537 --> 00:00:37,771 Wow. 11 00:00:37,838 --> 00:00:39,107 The Peace Corps? 12 00:00:39,173 --> 00:00:41,509 Yeah. I ship out tomorrow-- two years. 13 00:00:43,244 --> 00:00:45,213 You know, some people say the Peace Corps is 14 00:00:45,279 --> 00:00:47,115 the most noble thing a person can do. 15 00:00:47,181 --> 00:00:49,049 To those people, I say, "Is it?" 16 00:00:49,117 --> 00:00:51,985 And usually they say, "Yes, it is." 17 00:00:52,052 --> 00:00:53,954 Barney, they are so right. 18 00:00:54,021 --> 00:00:56,390 I wish there was something I could do. 19 00:00:56,457 --> 00:00:59,560 Oh, Tanya... I'm so glad you said that. 20 00:01:00,961 --> 00:01:02,296 This wasn't how I'd thought 21 00:01:02,363 --> 00:01:04,532 the night would turn out. 22 00:01:04,598 --> 00:01:07,768 This was finally supposed to be my big moment with Robin. 23 00:01:07,835 --> 00:01:09,903 But then reality came along. 24 00:01:09,970 --> 00:01:13,374 Robin got called up last-minute to anchor the 11:00 news. 25 00:01:13,441 --> 00:01:15,843 It was her big break. 26 00:01:15,909 --> 00:01:18,312 And I went to the wedding stag. 27 00:01:18,379 --> 00:01:22,250 Then, when I least expected it... 28 00:01:31,225 --> 00:01:33,194 LILY: Hey, where the hell did you 29 00:01:33,261 --> 00:01:34,995 disappear to last night? 30 00:01:35,062 --> 00:01:38,399 I had the most amazing night ever. 31 00:01:38,466 --> 00:01:39,900 Tell me about it. That cake. 32 00:01:39,967 --> 00:01:41,169 Best cake I ever had. Seriously. 33 00:01:41,235 --> 00:01:43,003 My stomach was, like, "Hey, bro, 34 00:01:43,070 --> 00:01:45,639 "I don't know what you're eating, 'cause I don't have any eyes, 35 00:01:45,706 --> 00:01:48,276 but it's basically awesome, so keep sending it down Gullet Alley." 36 00:01:48,342 --> 00:01:49,643 LILY: Yeah, I know. 37 00:01:49,710 --> 00:01:51,212 My stomach was, like, "Girlfriend, 38 00:01:51,279 --> 00:01:53,747 we don't always get along, but that cake..." 39 00:01:53,814 --> 00:01:55,115 Lily. 40 00:01:55,916 --> 00:01:56,984 Oh, right. 41 00:01:57,050 --> 00:01:59,420 "Most amazing night ever," and go. 42 00:01:59,487 --> 00:02:02,190 You know, I should tell you, I have a rule. 43 00:02:02,256 --> 00:02:04,425 I never hook up at weddings. 44 00:02:04,492 --> 00:02:07,528 I'm guessing you haven't always had this rule. 45 00:02:07,595 --> 00:02:10,864 Well, here's the thing, those big romantic moments, 46 00:02:10,931 --> 00:02:14,034 they're great when they happen, but they're not real. 47 00:02:14,101 --> 00:02:15,503 Exactly, exactly-- like-like just now, 48 00:02:15,569 --> 00:02:18,172 when I saw you doing the chicken dance out there, 49 00:02:18,239 --> 00:02:20,908 I'm not gonna lie to you, big-time thunderbolt. 50 00:02:20,974 --> 00:02:22,843 Mm. You should see me tap-dance. 51 00:02:22,910 --> 00:02:24,478 You'd be down on bended knee. 52 00:02:24,545 --> 00:02:27,114 Sadly not out of character. 53 00:02:27,181 --> 00:02:29,683 But I know now it's just a mirage. 54 00:02:29,750 --> 00:02:31,151 Wedding goggles. 55 00:02:31,219 --> 00:02:32,553 Exactly. And that, in a nutshell, 56 00:02:32,620 --> 00:02:34,822 is why I'm not putting the moves on you. 57 00:02:34,888 --> 00:02:36,324 This isn't the moves? 58 00:02:36,390 --> 00:02:38,326 What, you... you think this is the moves? 59 00:02:38,392 --> 00:02:39,860 Believe me, you'd know the moves. 60 00:02:39,927 --> 00:02:42,563 People ten tables away would know the moves. 61 00:02:42,630 --> 00:02:44,332 ( groans ): Oh, that's too bad. 62 00:02:44,398 --> 00:02:45,933 Tell me about it. 63 00:02:45,999 --> 00:02:47,701 You know, I think... 64 00:02:47,768 --> 00:02:49,503 I have a solution. 65 00:02:49,570 --> 00:02:50,904 Interested. 66 00:02:50,971 --> 00:02:52,573 And to preface this, 67 00:02:52,640 --> 00:02:54,642 we're not gonna sleep together tonight. 68 00:02:54,708 --> 00:02:55,809 Less interested. 69 00:02:55,876 --> 00:02:56,910 ( laughs ) 70 00:02:56,977 --> 00:02:58,612 Go ahead. Okay. 71 00:02:58,679 --> 00:03:02,049 So the thing that always screws it up is the next day. 72 00:03:02,115 --> 00:03:04,184 Right? So... 73 00:03:04,252 --> 00:03:07,087 Why don't we just cut that part out? 74 00:03:07,154 --> 00:03:08,289 What are you saying? 75 00:03:08,356 --> 00:03:10,591 I'm saying, I'm here; you're here; 76 00:03:10,658 --> 00:03:13,227 this is a big romantic wedding. 77 00:03:13,294 --> 00:03:15,229 Why don't we just dance 78 00:03:15,296 --> 00:03:16,997 and have a great time, 79 00:03:17,064 --> 00:03:19,933 and then when it's over, never see each other again. 80 00:03:21,034 --> 00:03:22,736 Unless... 81 00:03:22,803 --> 00:03:24,905 No. No unless. 82 00:03:24,972 --> 00:03:29,176 No e-mails, no phone numbers, not even names. 83 00:03:29,243 --> 00:03:34,081 Tonight we will make a memory that will never be tarnished. 84 00:03:34,147 --> 00:03:35,883 And then... 85 00:03:35,949 --> 00:03:37,618 when we're old and gray, 86 00:03:37,685 --> 00:03:42,290 we'll look back on this night and it'll be perfect. 87 00:03:42,356 --> 00:03:44,558 ( whispers ): Wow. 88 00:03:45,859 --> 00:03:47,328 Okay, I'm in. 89 00:03:47,395 --> 00:03:48,562 Okay. I guess, uh, 90 00:03:48,629 --> 00:03:50,030 what, we'll need fake names? 91 00:03:50,097 --> 00:03:54,001 Um... you can call me Buttercup. 92 00:03:54,067 --> 00:03:55,503 Pleased to meet you, Buttercup. 93 00:03:55,569 --> 00:03:57,605 I'm... Lando Calrissian. 94 00:03:58,706 --> 00:04:00,808 Wow, this is kind of exciting. 95 00:04:00,874 --> 00:04:03,210 Our names will forever be shrouded... Ted, Ted, Ted. 96 00:04:03,277 --> 00:04:04,512 Look, I got a bridesmaid. 97 00:04:04,578 --> 00:04:06,447 Ted, look, look, Ted, the second hottest bridesmaid. 98 00:04:06,514 --> 00:04:07,748 Ted, look. See ya, Ted. 99 00:04:11,652 --> 00:04:12,786 So, I'm Ted. 100 00:04:12,853 --> 00:04:14,755 Victoria. 101 00:04:14,822 --> 00:04:16,123 But no last names. 102 00:04:16,189 --> 00:04:17,458 No last names. 103 00:04:18,659 --> 00:04:21,595 ( groans ) Oh, what is wrong with you? 104 00:04:21,662 --> 00:04:24,197 Dude, that is just, like... 105 00:04:24,264 --> 00:04:26,334 a weenie-ass idea. 106 00:04:26,400 --> 00:04:28,168 No, it was awesome: I had a great night, 107 00:04:28,235 --> 00:04:31,171 I'm never gonna see her again, and there's no way to ruin it. 108 00:04:31,238 --> 00:04:32,940 Ted, how do I explain this to you? 109 00:04:33,006 --> 00:04:35,409 Last night I ate the best cake of my life. 110 00:04:35,476 --> 00:04:38,011 Now, you think I'm gonna let that cake out of my life? 111 00:04:38,078 --> 00:04:40,614 Hell, no. I'm gonna find out what bakery made that cake, 112 00:04:40,681 --> 00:04:43,016 and then I'm gonna get some more cake. 113 00:04:43,083 --> 00:04:44,885 That cake really got to you, huh? 114 00:04:44,952 --> 00:04:46,454 It haunts me. 115 00:04:47,388 --> 00:04:49,890 So, what happened next? 116 00:04:49,957 --> 00:04:51,425 Okay. 117 00:04:51,492 --> 00:04:53,794 Ground rules have been established. Mm-hmm. 118 00:04:53,861 --> 00:04:56,797 Now let's see some of these moves I've heard so much about. 119 00:05:03,203 --> 00:05:05,973 Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. 120 00:05:06,039 --> 00:05:08,376 Let's do all the single ladies in this joint 121 00:05:08,442 --> 00:05:10,177 a big favor and steal the bouquet. 122 00:05:10,243 --> 00:05:13,681 Yes, but we'll need... a diversion. 123 00:05:13,747 --> 00:05:15,383 ( clinking glass ) Kiss! 124 00:05:15,449 --> 00:05:17,518 OTHERS: Kiss! Kiss, come on! 125 00:05:17,585 --> 00:05:20,854 OTHERS ( chanting ): Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Go, go, go, go, go, go, go. 126 00:05:20,921 --> 00:05:24,024 So that's what happened to the bouquet. 127 00:05:24,091 --> 00:05:25,593 You know, good for Victoria. 128 00:05:25,659 --> 00:05:28,328 It's such an evil tradition. 129 00:05:28,396 --> 00:05:29,763 You're not gonna do it at your wedding? 130 00:05:29,830 --> 00:05:31,632 Hell, yeah, I'm gonna take that flower-grenade 131 00:05:31,699 --> 00:05:33,200 and chuck it into the crowd 132 00:05:33,266 --> 00:05:35,703 and scream, "Crawl for it, bitches!" 133 00:05:36,637 --> 00:05:38,906 That's just what girls do. 134 00:05:38,972 --> 00:05:41,174 So, where'd you guys go? 135 00:05:41,241 --> 00:05:44,077 ( piano rag playing ) 136 00:05:49,517 --> 00:05:51,318 ( music ends ) 137 00:05:51,385 --> 00:05:52,953 Very nice. 138 00:05:53,020 --> 00:05:53,687 Yeah? 139 00:05:56,424 --> 00:05:58,592 Okay, I don't really know how to tap-dance. I couldn't tell. 140 00:05:58,659 --> 00:06:01,662 Really. ( laughs ) 141 00:06:01,729 --> 00:06:04,998 Well, it's too bad you're not gonna get some tonight. 142 00:06:05,065 --> 00:06:08,536 Oh, if I wanted some, I could get some. No, you couldn't. 143 00:06:08,602 --> 00:06:11,739 You're a dude. I could get some. 144 00:06:11,805 --> 00:06:12,906 You could totally get some. 145 00:06:18,479 --> 00:06:20,280 We're not gonna kiss tonight. 146 00:06:20,347 --> 00:06:21,482 ( bangs piano keys ) 147 00:06:21,549 --> 00:06:26,219 If-if we kiss, all of this becomes real. 148 00:06:26,286 --> 00:06:28,922 You-you might use too much tongue. 149 00:06:28,989 --> 00:06:29,857 I might not use enough. 150 00:06:29,923 --> 00:06:31,892 And then suddenly, poof, spell's broken. 151 00:06:31,959 --> 00:06:32,926 I will use 152 00:06:32,993 --> 00:06:36,897 exactly the right amount of tongue. 153 00:06:36,964 --> 00:06:40,400 Okay, how about this? 154 00:06:40,468 --> 00:06:43,236 The best part of any first kiss 155 00:06:43,303 --> 00:06:45,305 is the lead-up to it. 156 00:06:45,372 --> 00:06:48,375 The moment right before the lips touch. 157 00:06:48,442 --> 00:06:51,912 It's like a big drumroll. 158 00:06:51,979 --> 00:06:53,046 So... 159 00:06:53,113 --> 00:06:57,918 how about tonight, we just stick with the drumroll? 160 00:06:59,186 --> 00:07:00,454 Okay. 161 00:07:00,521 --> 00:07:01,789 But we can't kiss. 162 00:07:02,923 --> 00:07:04,525 Okay. 163 00:07:24,444 --> 00:07:26,046 MARSHALL: A drumroll? 164 00:07:26,113 --> 00:07:27,147 That's it? 165 00:07:28,248 --> 00:07:29,249 So, what, you just... 166 00:07:29,316 --> 00:07:31,451 you said good night, came home and... 167 00:07:31,519 --> 00:07:34,187 performed a drum solo? 168 00:07:35,355 --> 00:07:36,990 Oh, Ted, you're such a doof! 169 00:07:37,057 --> 00:07:39,259 I mean, this girl sounds amazing. 170 00:07:39,326 --> 00:07:40,661 She was completely amazing. 171 00:07:40,728 --> 00:07:42,563 She was amazing and funny, 172 00:07:42,630 --> 00:07:45,432 and we connected on every level, 173 00:07:45,499 --> 00:07:47,801 and I'm never gonna see her again. 174 00:07:48,936 --> 00:07:50,804 Damn it, I have to see her again! 175 00:07:50,871 --> 00:07:51,872 Yes! Yes! 176 00:07:51,939 --> 00:07:52,940 So let's get to work, man. 177 00:07:53,006 --> 00:07:55,075 What else do you know about her? 178 00:07:55,142 --> 00:07:57,410 Nothing. Her name's Victoria-- that's all I got. 179 00:07:57,477 --> 00:07:58,579 Wait, Claudia, 180 00:07:58,646 --> 00:07:59,713 Claudia would know. 181 00:07:59,780 --> 00:08:00,981 Well, Claudia's on her honeymoon. 182 00:08:01,048 --> 00:08:03,183 She'll be back in two weeks. Call her then. 183 00:08:03,250 --> 00:08:04,685 Yes, two weeks. Good idea. 184 00:08:04,752 --> 00:08:06,053 I'm calling her now. 185 00:08:06,119 --> 00:08:08,989 No, Ted, you don't mess with a honeymoon. 186 00:08:09,056 --> 00:08:10,057 Yeah, come on, dude. 187 00:08:10,123 --> 00:08:11,224 Ask her about the cake. 188 00:08:12,459 --> 00:08:14,795 ( phone rings ) 189 00:08:14,862 --> 00:08:15,629 Ted? 190 00:08:15,696 --> 00:08:16,964 Hey, Claudia! 191 00:08:17,030 --> 00:08:19,432 Great wedding, beautiful toast, touching stuff. 192 00:08:19,499 --> 00:08:20,868 How's the honeymoon? 193 00:08:20,934 --> 00:08:22,169 Listen, I'm calling because last night 194 00:08:22,235 --> 00:08:25,005 I met this girl, and I was wondering if you had... 195 00:08:25,072 --> 00:08:27,440 Oh, you have got to be freaking kidding me! 196 00:08:27,507 --> 00:08:28,508 Aw, here we go. 197 00:08:28,576 --> 00:08:30,410 24 hours ago, 198 00:08:30,477 --> 00:08:31,945 you were begging... begging me 199 00:08:32,012 --> 00:08:33,847 to bring some other girl to my wedding, 200 00:08:33,914 --> 00:08:35,482 and now, well, uh, you're over her? 201 00:08:35,549 --> 00:08:37,785 I've moved on? 202 00:08:37,851 --> 00:08:40,554 What was her name? Is it my fat cousin Lindsay? 203 00:08:40,621 --> 00:08:42,455 Don't be embarrassed. She has pretty eyes. 204 00:08:42,522 --> 00:08:43,891 Uh, no. Her name was Victoria. 205 00:08:43,957 --> 00:08:45,559 I don't know her last name. 206 00:08:45,626 --> 00:08:47,695 Well, lucky for you, 207 00:08:47,761 --> 00:08:49,897 I know that guest list backwards and forwards. 208 00:08:49,963 --> 00:08:51,264 ( exhales ): Thank God. 209 00:08:51,331 --> 00:08:54,267 Unlucky for you, there was no Victoria at my wedding. 210 00:08:54,334 --> 00:08:55,302 Good-bye, Ted. 211 00:09:05,713 --> 00:09:07,080 There was no Victoria at the wedding. 212 00:09:07,147 --> 00:09:10,450 Maybe she used a second fake name. 213 00:09:10,517 --> 00:09:13,186 Oh, she's good. She's very good. 214 00:09:13,253 --> 00:09:14,254 Maybe she was ghost. 215 00:09:14,321 --> 00:09:15,488 That's why she didn't want 216 00:09:15,555 --> 00:09:17,024 to kiss you-- because you'd just 217 00:09:17,090 --> 00:09:19,159 pass right through her and feel really cold for a second. 218 00:09:19,226 --> 00:09:21,762 Oh, my God, I just had a great idea for a screenplay. 219 00:09:21,829 --> 00:09:23,997 Marshall... she was not a ghost! 220 00:09:24,064 --> 00:09:26,033 I know that she wasn't a ghost. 221 00:09:26,099 --> 00:09:30,037 She picked up a bouquet, proving she had corporeal form. 222 00:09:30,103 --> 00:09:32,239 Wait-wait! She was sitting across from a couple of bridesmaids. 223 00:09:32,305 --> 00:09:34,407 She must've been at their table. Maybe they know who she was. 224 00:09:34,474 --> 00:09:36,910 Great. So how do we get in touch with the bridesmaids? 225 00:09:38,979 --> 00:09:40,247 ( cell phone vibrates ) 226 00:09:40,313 --> 00:09:42,983 This better be good. I am about to enter Nirvana. 227 00:09:43,050 --> 00:09:45,585 By the way, I should get you Nirvana's phone number. 228 00:09:45,653 --> 00:09:48,021 She gives a great massage. Say what?! Barney! 229 00:09:48,088 --> 00:09:49,156 Ow! 230 00:09:49,222 --> 00:09:53,560 I know the house rules. Es un chiste! 231 00:09:53,627 --> 00:09:54,828 Listen, Barney, I saw you talking 232 00:09:54,895 --> 00:09:55,963 to that bridesmaid last night. 233 00:09:56,029 --> 00:09:57,698 Did you happen to get her phone number? 234 00:09:57,765 --> 00:09:59,399 You know I did. 235 00:09:59,466 --> 00:10:02,135 Great! Um, I'm gonna need you to call her for me. 236 00:10:02,202 --> 00:10:04,337 You know I won't. 237 00:10:04,404 --> 00:10:05,472 Why not? 238 00:10:05,538 --> 00:10:07,607 Because we just hooked up last night. 239 00:10:07,675 --> 00:10:09,609 I can't call the girl the next day. 240 00:10:09,677 --> 00:10:12,479 I have to wait at least, like... forever. 241 00:10:12,545 --> 00:10:14,682 Oh, snap! Never gonna call her. 242 00:10:14,748 --> 00:10:15,683 Besides, she thinks 243 00:10:15,749 --> 00:10:17,718 I'm on my way to India. 244 00:10:17,785 --> 00:10:20,353 Oh, come on, Barney. It's for a good cause. 245 00:10:20,420 --> 00:10:23,456 Uh, Ted going all castrati over yet another girl 246 00:10:23,523 --> 00:10:25,225 is exactly not a good cause. 247 00:10:25,292 --> 00:10:28,195 Sorry, buddy, I wish I could help you. My hands are tied. 248 00:10:28,261 --> 00:10:30,798 Oh, no, wait. That was last night. ( imitates whip cracking ) 249 00:10:32,900 --> 00:10:34,167 Okay, Barney, I'll tell you what I'm going to do. 250 00:10:34,234 --> 00:10:37,104 You make this call and I will go with you 251 00:10:37,170 --> 00:10:40,007 to Foxy Boxing. 252 00:10:40,073 --> 00:10:41,174 Really? 253 00:10:41,241 --> 00:10:42,676 Yeah. 254 00:10:42,743 --> 00:10:44,211 But you always said the Foxy Boxing girls 255 00:10:44,277 --> 00:10:45,846 were neither foxy nor good at boxing. 256 00:10:45,913 --> 00:10:47,514 I'm ready to be proven wrong. 257 00:10:47,580 --> 00:10:49,149 Tonight? 258 00:10:49,216 --> 00:10:50,017 Tonight. 259 00:10:50,083 --> 00:10:51,484 ( whispers ): Dial. 260 00:10:51,551 --> 00:10:52,953 Yeah, Tanya, turns out 261 00:10:53,020 --> 00:10:54,387 I don't leave for the Peace Corps till tomorrow. 262 00:10:55,689 --> 00:10:56,990 Yeah, I know. 263 00:10:57,057 --> 00:10:59,392 It sucks. Just one fewer day I get to help people. 264 00:11:00,761 --> 00:11:02,262 Anyway, this girl-- any idea who she was? 265 00:11:02,329 --> 00:11:03,363 Hold on. 266 00:11:03,430 --> 00:11:05,432 What kind of shoes was sh... 267 00:11:05,498 --> 00:11:06,900 No, Tanya, he's a dude. 268 00:11:06,967 --> 00:11:09,036 He's not going to know what kind of shoes she was wearing. 269 00:11:09,102 --> 00:11:10,303 Actually... 270 00:11:10,370 --> 00:11:12,572 Oh, come on. 271 00:11:12,639 --> 00:11:13,573 Hey! 272 00:11:13,640 --> 00:11:15,242 Ooh! 273 00:11:15,308 --> 00:11:17,344 So what do you want to do next? Uh... 274 00:11:17,410 --> 00:11:19,312 Don't think. First thing that comes into your mind. 275 00:11:19,379 --> 00:11:21,414 Uh... 276 00:11:21,481 --> 00:11:24,384 Hold... this... 277 00:11:24,451 --> 00:11:25,786 and this... 278 00:11:27,120 --> 00:11:28,355 Whoa! 279 00:11:28,421 --> 00:11:30,557 There she goes. 280 00:11:30,623 --> 00:11:35,062 Apparently she was wearing brown shoes... 281 00:11:35,996 --> 00:11:37,965 ...with little snowflakes on them. 282 00:11:39,066 --> 00:11:42,335 Yeah, they do sound cute. 283 00:11:42,402 --> 00:11:43,403 Any idea 284 00:11:43,470 --> 00:11:44,838 who...? 285 00:11:44,905 --> 00:11:46,373 Okay. Well, thanks anyway. 286 00:11:46,439 --> 00:11:48,175 Yeah, you take ca... 287 00:11:48,241 --> 00:11:49,309 What's...? 288 00:11:49,376 --> 00:11:50,243 Tonight? 289 00:11:50,310 --> 00:11:51,979 Well, I'm shipping out pretty early, 290 00:11:52,045 --> 00:11:53,914 so I won't be able to stay over, 291 00:11:53,981 --> 00:11:55,448 but, yeah, sure, I'd love to. 292 00:11:55,515 --> 00:11:57,885 Okay. I'll talk to you later. 293 00:11:57,951 --> 00:12:00,520 Sorry, Ted, I won't be able to make Foxy Boxing tonight. 294 00:12:00,587 --> 00:12:01,654 I understand. 295 00:12:01,721 --> 00:12:03,891 Okay, uh, let's not lose hope. 296 00:12:03,957 --> 00:12:05,025 We'll call the hotel. 297 00:12:05,092 --> 00:12:06,726 Maybe she was staying there. 298 00:12:06,794 --> 00:12:08,328 We'll have them check the registry 299 00:12:08,395 --> 00:12:09,863 for anyone named Victoria. 300 00:12:09,930 --> 00:12:11,531 Or maybe she goes by Vicky or Tori... 301 00:12:11,598 --> 00:12:13,066 Or Ictor. 302 00:12:14,067 --> 00:12:17,737 She probably doesn't go by "Ictor." 303 00:12:19,306 --> 00:12:20,607 No, you know what? 304 00:12:20,673 --> 00:12:21,842 This is fate. 305 00:12:21,909 --> 00:12:23,243 I am never supposed to see this girl again. 306 00:12:23,310 --> 00:12:24,544 That was the whole point of the night. 307 00:12:24,611 --> 00:12:26,046 I have just been saved from myself. 308 00:12:26,113 --> 00:12:27,647 Let's drink many beers. 309 00:12:27,714 --> 00:12:28,916 Agreed. 310 00:12:28,982 --> 00:12:30,750 And I thought that was the end of it. 311 00:12:30,818 --> 00:12:31,952 But then... 312 00:12:32,019 --> 00:12:34,855 ( knocking ) 313 00:12:36,223 --> 00:12:38,358 Hey! There's the anchor lady! 314 00:12:38,425 --> 00:12:39,526 Oh! 315 00:12:39,592 --> 00:12:40,660 How was it? 316 00:12:40,727 --> 00:12:42,062 Oh, I don't know. 317 00:12:42,129 --> 00:12:43,931 Why don't you ask the new substitute weekend anchor? 318 00:12:43,997 --> 00:12:45,598 Robin? Thanks, Robin! 319 00:12:45,665 --> 00:12:48,468 It was awesome. Back to you, Robin. 320 00:12:48,535 --> 00:12:50,770 Congrats! That's so cool! 321 00:12:50,838 --> 00:12:53,874 Yeah, I felt really bad bailing on Ted, though. 322 00:12:53,941 --> 00:12:55,909 Oh, don't even worry about it. In fact... 323 00:12:55,976 --> 00:12:57,710 And then Lily told her the whole story, 324 00:12:57,777 --> 00:12:59,746 right down to the brown shoes 325 00:12:59,813 --> 00:13:00,848 with the little snowflakes on them. 326 00:13:00,914 --> 00:13:02,115 And by the end of it... 327 00:13:03,716 --> 00:13:05,285 What? 328 00:13:05,352 --> 00:13:07,254 I know who she is. 329 00:13:15,963 --> 00:13:17,197 You know who she is? 330 00:13:17,264 --> 00:13:19,132 But you weren't even at the wedding. 331 00:13:19,199 --> 00:13:23,070 Actually, I kind of... was. 332 00:13:23,136 --> 00:13:24,104 What? 333 00:13:24,171 --> 00:13:27,975 Well, after the newscast, I was so excited 334 00:13:28,041 --> 00:13:32,045 I decided to surprise Ted by going to the reception. 335 00:13:42,189 --> 00:13:44,291 ( sobs ): Oh, damn it! 336 00:13:44,357 --> 00:13:46,093 Oh, stop it! 337 00:13:46,159 --> 00:13:48,061 ( door opens ) What the hell! 338 00:13:48,128 --> 00:13:49,997 Hello? 339 00:13:50,063 --> 00:13:51,731 You okay in there? 340 00:13:51,798 --> 00:13:54,034 Uh, yeah, I'm fine. Um... 341 00:13:54,101 --> 00:13:56,703 Just allergies or something. 342 00:13:56,769 --> 00:13:58,271 I'm fine. 343 00:13:58,338 --> 00:14:02,976 Listen, do you... want to come and cry out here? 344 00:14:03,043 --> 00:14:06,313 I've been told I'm an excellent hugger. 345 00:14:06,379 --> 00:14:07,480 Oh, thanks. 346 00:14:07,547 --> 00:14:11,118 Um, but I don't actually cry in front of people 347 00:14:11,184 --> 00:14:13,921 or... cry at all, for that matter. 348 00:14:13,987 --> 00:14:17,157 Oh, man, it's gross. 349 00:14:17,224 --> 00:14:20,360 Does everyone snot up this much when they cry? 350 00:14:20,427 --> 00:14:23,796 Hey, you're speaking to a fellow snotter. 351 00:14:23,863 --> 00:14:25,132 ( sobbing chuckle ) 352 00:14:25,198 --> 00:14:27,834 So, why are you crying? 353 00:14:27,901 --> 00:14:30,803 Because you have feelings for Ted. 354 00:14:30,870 --> 00:14:33,907 I don't know. Maybe? 355 00:14:33,974 --> 00:14:36,376 Okay, what is wrong with the two of you! 356 00:14:36,443 --> 00:14:38,011 Seriously! 357 00:14:38,078 --> 00:14:40,047 He likes you and you like him. 358 00:14:40,113 --> 00:14:41,448 ( stammers ): And j-j-just be together! 359 00:14:41,514 --> 00:14:42,950 Cheese Louise! 360 00:14:43,016 --> 00:14:44,617 Happiness is not that difficult! 361 00:14:44,684 --> 00:14:46,586 Look, okay, yes. 362 00:14:46,653 --> 00:14:47,988 I cried in the bathroom 363 00:14:48,055 --> 00:14:49,489 and that... was weird. 364 00:14:49,556 --> 00:14:51,824 but that doesn't mean I'm in love with the guy. 365 00:14:51,891 --> 00:14:53,193 The fact is, 366 00:14:53,260 --> 00:14:55,295 I-I don't know how I feel. 367 00:14:55,362 --> 00:14:56,496 Yes, you do! 368 00:14:56,563 --> 00:14:59,232 Seeing him with someone else and crying about it? 369 00:14:59,299 --> 00:15:01,168 Guess what? That's how you feel. 370 00:15:01,234 --> 00:15:03,903 That is nothing but how you feel. 371 00:15:05,372 --> 00:15:06,606 Okay, fine. I have feelings for him. 372 00:15:06,673 --> 00:15:07,640 Happy? 373 00:15:07,707 --> 00:15:10,243 Kinda, yeah. 374 00:15:10,310 --> 00:15:13,246 But it doesn't change anything. 375 00:15:13,313 --> 00:15:15,482 I still don't want to get married 376 00:15:15,548 --> 00:15:17,817 and he's still... Ted. 377 00:15:17,884 --> 00:15:19,419 What I should do is 378 00:15:19,486 --> 00:15:22,089 just tell him who Victoria is so he can be happy. 379 00:15:22,155 --> 00:15:24,457 Or you could tell him that you're into him 380 00:15:24,524 --> 00:15:26,626 and then you could both be happy. 381 00:15:26,693 --> 00:15:28,695 I'm going to go find him. 382 00:15:30,030 --> 00:15:32,299 Well, wait. 383 00:15:32,365 --> 00:15:34,501 Which one are you going to tell him? 384 00:15:34,567 --> 00:15:37,770 I have no idea. 385 00:15:37,837 --> 00:15:39,339 And here's the most amazing part: 386 00:15:39,406 --> 00:15:41,208 because I told her I'd converted all my money 387 00:15:41,274 --> 00:15:44,144 to India dollars, she gave me 50 bucks 388 00:15:44,211 --> 00:15:45,979 to take a cab to the airport. 389 00:15:46,046 --> 00:15:48,948 That's right. I just got paid for sex. 390 00:15:49,016 --> 00:15:50,450 I really should give this money 391 00:15:50,517 --> 00:15:51,318 to the Peace Corps. 392 00:15:51,384 --> 00:15:53,653 They've done so much for me lately. 393 00:15:53,720 --> 00:15:54,587 Hi, guys. 394 00:15:54,654 --> 00:15:55,955 Hey. 395 00:15:56,023 --> 00:15:57,857 Um, Ted, can I talk to you outside for a second? 396 00:15:57,924 --> 00:15:58,858 Yeah, sure. 397 00:15:58,925 --> 00:15:59,926 What's up? 398 00:15:59,993 --> 00:16:01,094 ( phone rings ) 399 00:16:01,161 --> 00:16:03,230 Um... I, uh, I have to tell you something. 400 00:16:03,296 --> 00:16:04,731 Oh... 401 00:16:04,797 --> 00:16:06,266 Oh, just get it. 402 00:16:06,333 --> 00:16:08,135 Hello? 403 00:16:08,201 --> 00:16:09,536 Ted? It's Stuart. 404 00:16:09,602 --> 00:16:12,405 My lovely bride would like to say something to you. 405 00:16:15,242 --> 00:16:17,510 ( clears throat ) 406 00:16:17,577 --> 00:16:18,478 Ted... 407 00:16:20,013 --> 00:16:21,914 I'm sorry I hung up on you earlier. 408 00:16:21,981 --> 00:16:23,883 My new husband, 409 00:16:23,950 --> 00:16:25,518 and the vodka cranberry, 410 00:16:25,585 --> 00:16:29,156 which cost $10.50 at the freakin' airport bar... 411 00:16:29,222 --> 00:16:31,458 When is this plane going to board?! 412 00:16:31,524 --> 00:16:32,459 Sweet pea? 413 00:16:32,525 --> 00:16:34,761 ( clears throat, chuckles ) 414 00:16:34,827 --> 00:16:36,196 ...have helped me realize 415 00:16:36,263 --> 00:16:40,700 that sometimes I can act like a crazy person, 416 00:16:40,767 --> 00:16:44,971 and I don't want my new husband to think I'm a crazy person. 417 00:16:45,038 --> 00:16:47,140 It's fine, Claudia. Don't worry about it. 418 00:16:47,207 --> 00:16:48,441 ( mouths ) Oh, um, 419 00:16:48,508 --> 00:16:50,610 Marshall wanted to know where you guys got that cake. 420 00:16:50,677 --> 00:16:52,212 The cake? 421 00:16:54,081 --> 00:16:55,515 VICTORIA: Why don't you take this? 422 00:16:57,384 --> 00:16:58,685 Sounds like you could use it. 423 00:16:58,751 --> 00:17:00,487 Thanks. ( sniffles ) 424 00:17:00,553 --> 00:17:01,954 You're very sweet. 425 00:17:02,021 --> 00:17:03,556 So are you a friend 426 00:17:03,623 --> 00:17:05,658 of the bride or groom? 427 00:17:05,725 --> 00:17:07,927 We got it at this little bakery downtown. 428 00:17:07,994 --> 00:17:09,396 Actually neither. 429 00:17:09,462 --> 00:17:11,064 It's called the Buttercup Bakery. 430 00:17:11,131 --> 00:17:13,500 Pleased to meet you, Buttercup. 431 00:17:13,566 --> 00:17:14,667 I made the cake. 432 00:17:16,869 --> 00:17:19,472 She made the cake. 433 00:17:28,215 --> 00:17:30,383 The Buttercup Bakery. 434 00:17:30,450 --> 00:17:32,719 She wasn't on the guest list because she wasn't a guest. 435 00:17:32,785 --> 00:17:34,554 She made the cake. 436 00:17:34,621 --> 00:17:35,622 She made that cake? 437 00:17:35,688 --> 00:17:38,258 Ted, this is the girl. 438 00:17:38,325 --> 00:17:39,426 You got to marry her. 439 00:17:39,492 --> 00:17:41,928 Today. She has to move in with us. 440 00:17:41,994 --> 00:17:43,830 I'm going down to that bakery. 441 00:17:43,896 --> 00:17:45,064 No, no. Don't do it. 442 00:17:45,132 --> 00:17:46,599 Baby, what are you talking about?! 443 00:17:46,666 --> 00:17:48,968 Yeah, all day long you been busting my apple-bag 444 00:17:49,035 --> 00:17:50,670 about finding this girl. 445 00:17:50,737 --> 00:17:52,405 Well, I-I just think that... 446 00:17:52,472 --> 00:17:55,208 that maybe she's not that into you. 447 00:17:55,275 --> 00:17:58,711 And-and that's why she didn't give you her number. 448 00:17:58,778 --> 00:18:00,813 Robin? 449 00:18:00,880 --> 00:18:03,416 Care to chime in with anything? 450 00:18:03,483 --> 00:18:07,320 Yes. Ted... 451 00:18:10,557 --> 00:18:12,058 Go get her. 452 00:18:12,125 --> 00:18:13,393 Going. 453 00:18:13,460 --> 00:18:15,528 Getting. Ted, oh, my, gosh, I love this moment. 454 00:18:15,595 --> 00:18:17,230 You know why? 'Cause I'm going to say it, 455 00:18:17,297 --> 00:18:18,531 and this time, you're actually going to say yes. 456 00:18:18,598 --> 00:18:20,933 You ready? You ready to say yes? Ted, suit up. 457 00:18:21,000 --> 00:18:22,169 Yes! ( laughs ) 458 00:18:22,235 --> 00:18:24,571 No. Oh, come on! 459 00:18:25,572 --> 00:18:28,040 Whoa. Guess we were gone a while. 460 00:18:28,107 --> 00:18:29,609 Oh, that's too bad. 461 00:18:29,676 --> 00:18:31,844 I was looking forward to one last dance. 462 00:18:38,318 --> 00:18:40,820 ( gentle melody plays ) 463 00:18:53,700 --> 00:18:55,502 Why, yes, I am. 464 00:18:55,568 --> 00:18:58,004 Sorry, I could tell what you were just thinking. 465 00:18:58,070 --> 00:18:59,539 Wow, what was I just thinking? 466 00:18:59,606 --> 00:19:03,075 "Damn, he's looking mighty fine in that tux." 467 00:19:03,142 --> 00:19:04,344 ( laughs ) You got me. Yeah. 468 00:19:04,411 --> 00:19:05,678 You are good. Mm. 469 00:19:05,745 --> 00:19:08,281 You know, I don't look like this every day. 470 00:19:08,348 --> 00:19:11,451 On a real weekend, the real Ted wears a pair of jeans 471 00:19:11,518 --> 00:19:13,520 and a sweatshirt with bleach stains on it. 472 00:19:13,586 --> 00:19:17,390 Mm. The real Ted sounds real sexy. 473 00:19:18,425 --> 00:19:22,295 Too bad I'll never get to see it. 474 00:19:22,362 --> 00:19:25,232 ( gentle melody continues ) 475 00:19:27,200 --> 00:19:29,269 Buttercup Bakery. This is it. 476 00:19:29,336 --> 00:19:30,670 Good luck, dude. 477 00:19:30,737 --> 00:19:32,672 Grab me a cupcake. 478 00:19:34,507 --> 00:19:39,178 Ted? You still with us? 479 00:19:39,246 --> 00:19:41,381 ( gentle melody continues ) 480 00:19:49,922 --> 00:19:53,293 Tell me your last name. 481 00:19:55,462 --> 00:19:58,731 You know there's one little flaw in our plan. 482 00:19:58,798 --> 00:20:00,500 What's that? 483 00:20:00,567 --> 00:20:03,002 I'm going to go home tonight with a lot of great memories 484 00:20:03,069 --> 00:20:04,704 and one really sucky memory. 485 00:20:04,771 --> 00:20:08,207 The memory of you walking out that door. 486 00:20:11,878 --> 00:20:13,580 Hey, Ted. 487 00:20:13,646 --> 00:20:15,248 Yeah? 488 00:20:15,315 --> 00:20:19,051 Close your eyes... 489 00:20:19,118 --> 00:20:20,987 and count to five. 490 00:20:23,122 --> 00:20:25,658 One... 491 00:20:25,725 --> 00:20:27,560 two... 492 00:20:27,627 --> 00:20:29,862 three... 493 00:20:29,929 --> 00:20:33,700 four... 494 00:20:33,766 --> 00:20:36,469 five. 495 00:20:44,877 --> 00:20:46,112 ( sighs heavily ) 496 00:20:46,178 --> 00:20:48,548 TED: And to our dying days 497 00:20:48,615 --> 00:20:53,920 we'll remember everything about that night as perfect. 498 00:20:53,986 --> 00:20:55,288 Maybe we both need that. 499 00:20:55,355 --> 00:20:57,490 I mean, so many things go wrong in life 500 00:20:57,557 --> 00:20:59,426 but this is the one thing that never will. 501 00:20:59,492 --> 00:21:02,128 It will always... 502 00:21:02,194 --> 00:21:07,334 always be pure unadulterated awesome. 503 00:21:07,400 --> 00:21:10,370 And if I walk in there, I'm robbing both of us... 504 00:21:10,437 --> 00:21:12,905 The meter's running, dude. Crap or get off the pot. 505 00:21:12,972 --> 00:21:14,907 Yeah, yeah, I'm going. 506 00:21:38,898 --> 00:21:40,500 Oh, thank God. 507 00:21:42,034 --> 00:21:44,937 * Whenever it's real * 508 00:21:45,004 --> 00:21:47,574 * Whatever awaits. *