1 00:00:13,947 --> 00:00:16,284 TED: Kids, before I met your mother, 2 00:00:16,350 --> 00:00:17,985 when I was still out there searching, 3 00:00:18,052 --> 00:00:19,787 I learned something valuable. 4 00:00:19,853 --> 00:00:21,122 That love is not a science. 5 00:00:21,189 --> 00:00:22,856 Wow, that was a great story, Dad. 6 00:00:22,923 --> 00:00:24,092 We're going to go watch TV. 7 00:00:24,158 --> 00:00:27,461 You see, sometimes in life you just have to accept 8 00:00:27,528 --> 00:00:29,997 that certain things can't be explained. 9 00:00:30,064 --> 00:00:31,699 And that's kind of scary. 10 00:00:31,765 --> 00:00:34,068 Oh, my God. 11 00:00:34,135 --> 00:00:35,403 LILY: I know, I'm still shaking. What the...? 12 00:00:35,469 --> 00:00:37,505 Joke's on you, I have a cold. 13 00:00:37,571 --> 00:00:39,440 Are you guys okay? 14 00:00:39,507 --> 00:00:41,041 Another round, and back it up for me and Lily! 15 00:00:41,109 --> 00:00:42,176 What happened? 16 00:00:42,243 --> 00:00:45,646 We saw something up in the apartment. 17 00:00:45,713 --> 00:00:47,115 Something bad. 18 00:00:51,585 --> 00:00:54,588 I don't know what it is, but margaritas make me sexy. 19 00:00:54,655 --> 00:00:58,259 Oh, muchos sexy. Yo quiero, Marshall. 20 00:01:01,562 --> 00:01:03,564 Oh, my God. 21 00:01:03,631 --> 00:01:05,333 ( screaming ) 22 00:01:07,935 --> 00:01:09,370 What was it? 23 00:01:09,437 --> 00:01:12,039 Only the craziest, meanest looking mouse you've ever seen. 24 00:01:12,106 --> 00:01:13,274 Mouse? 25 00:01:13,341 --> 00:01:15,008 Sweetie, that wasn't a mouse. 26 00:01:15,075 --> 00:01:16,977 That was a huge cockroach. 27 00:01:17,044 --> 00:01:18,479 Baby, it was a mouse. 28 00:01:18,546 --> 00:01:19,780 It had whiskers. 29 00:01:19,847 --> 00:01:22,916 But those things coming out of its head, those were antennae. 30 00:01:22,983 --> 00:01:25,819 Marshall ran away from a cockroach. 31 00:01:25,886 --> 00:01:26,954 It was a mouse. 32 00:01:27,020 --> 00:01:28,556 Oh, yeah, sorry, my bad. You're a man. 33 00:01:29,257 --> 00:01:30,591 Oh, my story is on. 34 00:01:30,658 --> 00:01:31,759 Ted, pay attention. 35 00:01:31,825 --> 00:01:33,026 Carl, turn it up. 36 00:01:33,093 --> 00:01:34,295 I'm here with Ellen Pierce, 37 00:01:34,362 --> 00:01:37,231 New York's premiere matchmaker. 38 00:01:37,298 --> 00:01:39,167 Ellen, your company, Love Solutions, 39 00:01:39,233 --> 00:01:41,602 boasts 100% success rate. 40 00:01:41,669 --> 00:01:42,603 What's your secret? 41 00:01:42,670 --> 00:01:43,737 Science. 42 00:01:43,804 --> 00:01:44,838 Everything in life 43 00:01:44,905 --> 00:01:48,542 can be broken down to ones and zeros, even love. 44 00:01:48,609 --> 00:01:50,611 All I have to do is input the variables, 45 00:01:50,678 --> 00:01:51,812 run the algorithm, 46 00:01:51,879 --> 00:01:56,384 and presto manifesto, you have a soul mate, and it works! 47 00:01:56,450 --> 00:01:59,520 Just ask all of my happy couples. 48 00:01:59,587 --> 00:02:01,922 And these are just the attractive ones. 49 00:02:01,989 --> 00:02:04,425 I have more photos in the bathroom. 50 00:02:04,492 --> 00:02:06,694 Love Solutions, Ellen Pierce. 51 00:02:06,760 --> 00:02:09,297 A beacon of hope for New York City's lovelorn. 52 00:02:09,363 --> 00:02:10,564 Robin Scherbotsky... 53 00:02:10,631 --> 00:02:12,800 Was that chick at the end really a client? Yes. 54 00:02:12,866 --> 00:02:14,268 We're signing up. What? 55 00:02:14,335 --> 00:02:16,704 Ted, these chicks are desperate and hot. 56 00:02:16,770 --> 00:02:18,372 That's a perfect cocktail. 57 00:02:18,439 --> 00:02:20,674 Shake well, then sleep with. 58 00:02:20,741 --> 00:02:24,178 I'm not going to a matchmaker. That's like giving up. 59 00:02:24,245 --> 00:02:26,146 It's the man version of getting a cat. 60 00:02:27,147 --> 00:02:28,482 No, it wasn't a cockroach. 61 00:02:28,549 --> 00:02:30,318 It had fur, and only mammals have fur. 62 00:02:30,384 --> 00:02:31,985 It was a cockroach. 63 00:02:32,052 --> 00:02:34,355 Come on, Lily, the only way that that was a cockroach 64 00:02:34,422 --> 00:02:37,858 is if it was wearing the skin of a mouse it just killed. 65 00:02:37,925 --> 00:02:40,127 Oh, my God. 66 00:02:40,194 --> 00:02:41,061 ( whimpering ) 67 00:02:41,128 --> 00:02:42,330 Come on. 68 00:02:46,934 --> 00:02:50,804 ( scratching ) 69 00:02:53,441 --> 00:02:54,808 Ted! ( gasps ) 70 00:02:54,875 --> 00:02:56,977 Hurry! You've got to help me. My boat is sinking! What? 71 00:02:57,044 --> 00:02:58,712 My boat is sinking! You have a boat? 72 00:02:58,779 --> 00:03:00,214 Yes, I bought a boat last year at a police auction. 73 00:03:00,281 --> 00:03:01,549 I just got a call from a guy down at the marina 74 00:03:01,615 --> 00:03:02,883 that it's leaning starboard at a 45-degree angle. 75 00:03:02,950 --> 00:03:04,252 If I don't get down there right now, it's going to capsize. 76 00:03:04,318 --> 00:03:06,254 Now come on! 77 00:03:07,921 --> 00:03:10,291 Your boat is sinking. 78 00:03:10,358 --> 00:03:11,292 That was good. 79 00:03:11,359 --> 00:03:12,560 Come on, Ted. 80 00:03:12,626 --> 00:03:14,762 This is an incredible opportunity. 81 00:03:14,828 --> 00:03:16,564 We'll meet our soul mates, 82 00:03:16,630 --> 00:03:18,832 nail 'em and never call 'em again. 83 00:03:20,801 --> 00:03:21,935 All finished, gentlemen? 84 00:03:22,002 --> 00:03:23,003 Congratulations. 85 00:03:23,070 --> 00:03:24,037 You have just taken 86 00:03:24,104 --> 00:03:25,939 your very first step. 87 00:03:26,006 --> 00:03:27,207 Gosh, thanks, Ellen. 88 00:03:27,275 --> 00:03:28,642 I sure hope this works. 89 00:03:28,709 --> 00:03:29,477 I'm so done 90 00:03:29,543 --> 00:03:31,111 with the single life-- 91 00:03:31,178 --> 00:03:33,714 all the games, the meaningless sex. 92 00:03:33,781 --> 00:03:35,949 You deserve more. 93 00:03:36,016 --> 00:03:38,151 That is so true, Ellen. 94 00:03:38,218 --> 00:03:42,055 I really think I'm ready to stop being a me, 95 00:03:42,122 --> 00:03:43,491 and start being a we. 96 00:03:43,557 --> 00:03:46,159 Hey, is there any way I can let it be known 97 00:03:46,226 --> 00:03:47,227 that I love cuddling? 98 00:03:47,295 --> 00:03:49,697 Ah, of course you can. 99 00:03:49,763 --> 00:03:50,831 That is so... 100 00:03:50,898 --> 00:03:53,166 Oh. 101 00:03:53,233 --> 00:03:55,803 Kind of hard to talk about with Ted here, 102 00:03:55,869 --> 00:03:58,806 but I just want someone who's not afraid 103 00:03:58,872 --> 00:04:01,275 to hold me at night... 104 00:04:01,342 --> 00:04:03,311 ( voice breaking ): when the tears come. 105 00:04:04,812 --> 00:04:06,714 Ellen, can you help me find her? 106 00:04:06,780 --> 00:04:07,981 Get out. 107 00:04:08,048 --> 00:04:09,450 What? 108 00:04:10,418 --> 00:04:12,052 I get 15 guys like you every week. 109 00:04:12,119 --> 00:04:13,354 Jerks who just want 110 00:04:13,421 --> 00:04:14,655 to meet vulnerable women, 111 00:04:14,722 --> 00:04:16,924 nail 'em and never call 'em again. 112 00:04:16,990 --> 00:04:18,926 Oh, my God, people do that? 113 00:04:18,992 --> 00:04:21,194 Do you want to do this the easy way or the hard way? 114 00:04:21,261 --> 00:04:22,496 What's the hard way? 115 00:04:22,563 --> 00:04:25,333 Security roughs me up and tosses me out? 116 00:04:25,399 --> 00:04:26,767 No, that's the easy way. 117 00:04:26,834 --> 00:04:29,870 The hard way is that I stomp the crap out of you myself. 118 00:04:29,937 --> 00:04:32,340 Okay, Ted, let's go. Not you. You stay. 119 00:04:33,807 --> 00:04:36,176 You're cute. 120 00:04:36,243 --> 00:04:37,678 You're an architect. 121 00:04:37,745 --> 00:04:40,881 Good career, and you didn't use an obvious alias 122 00:04:40,948 --> 00:04:44,117 on your application, like your friend Jack Package. 123 00:04:44,184 --> 00:04:46,186 It's pronounced pa-codge. 124 00:04:46,253 --> 00:04:47,488 Get out of here! 125 00:04:48,856 --> 00:04:50,958 You I can work with. 126 00:04:51,024 --> 00:04:52,793 You give me three days, 127 00:04:52,860 --> 00:04:56,129 and I will find the woman you will marry. 128 00:04:56,196 --> 00:04:58,165 Uh, no, thanks. 129 00:04:58,231 --> 00:04:59,099 I don't need an algorithm 130 00:04:59,166 --> 00:05:00,734 to meet women. 131 00:05:00,801 --> 00:05:03,437 It's New York City, you know-- plenty of fish in the sea. 132 00:05:03,504 --> 00:05:06,674 Plenty of fish in the sea. 133 00:05:06,740 --> 00:05:08,976 Yes, there's nine million people in New York, 134 00:05:09,042 --> 00:05:10,978 4.5 million women. 135 00:05:11,044 --> 00:05:13,447 Of course, you want to meet somebody roughly your own age. 136 00:05:13,514 --> 00:05:15,783 Let's say, plus, minus, five years. 137 00:05:15,849 --> 00:05:17,951 So if we take into account the most recent census data, 138 00:05:18,018 --> 00:05:19,252 that leaves us 139 00:05:19,319 --> 00:05:20,421 with 482,000. 140 00:05:20,488 --> 00:05:22,055 But, uh, wait... 141 00:05:22,122 --> 00:05:23,190 48% of those 142 00:05:23,256 --> 00:05:25,158 are already in relationships, 143 00:05:25,225 --> 00:05:27,428 and then you have to eliminate half for intelligence, 144 00:05:27,495 --> 00:05:28,596 sense of humor and compatibility, 145 00:05:28,662 --> 00:05:30,330 and then you have to take out 146 00:05:30,398 --> 00:05:31,865 the ex-girlfriends and the relatives, 147 00:05:31,932 --> 00:05:34,334 and, oh, we can't forget those lesbians. 148 00:05:34,402 --> 00:05:35,469 And then 149 00:05:35,536 --> 00:05:39,440 that leaves us with eight women. 150 00:05:39,507 --> 00:05:42,876 That can't be right. Eight? 151 00:05:42,943 --> 00:05:43,977 Really? Eight? 152 00:05:44,044 --> 00:05:48,549 There are eight fish in that big blue ocean, Ted. 153 00:05:48,616 --> 00:05:51,251 And if you feel confident that you could reel one in 154 00:05:51,318 --> 00:05:53,554 to your boat without me, there's the door. 155 00:05:53,621 --> 00:05:56,424 Do you take credit cards? 156 00:05:58,091 --> 00:06:00,694 Okay, it's back. 157 00:06:00,761 --> 00:06:02,763 And this time we got a good look. 158 00:06:02,830 --> 00:06:05,833 Hey, seriously, you have to stop doing that. 159 00:06:05,899 --> 00:06:07,000 It's bigger now. 160 00:06:07,067 --> 00:06:08,569 It's been feeding. 161 00:06:10,504 --> 00:06:12,840 We were just upstairs watching TV. 162 00:06:12,906 --> 00:06:14,908 Oh, gosh. 163 00:06:14,975 --> 00:06:16,109 ( gasps ) 164 00:06:21,449 --> 00:06:24,618 Okay, let's do this. 165 00:06:32,025 --> 00:06:33,461 ( screaming ) 166 00:06:33,527 --> 00:06:34,562 Shh, shh, shh. 167 00:06:34,628 --> 00:06:37,765 It's okay. It's over. 168 00:06:37,831 --> 00:06:39,132 Oh, God! 169 00:06:48,442 --> 00:06:50,143 So did you get a good look at it? 170 00:06:50,210 --> 00:06:55,583 Yeah. It has six legs, a hard exoskeleton, like a roach. 171 00:06:55,649 --> 00:06:57,551 But it had mouse-like characteristics. 172 00:06:57,618 --> 00:06:59,953 Gray-brown tufts of fur, a tail. 173 00:07:00,020 --> 00:07:04,224 So which is it: a cockroach or a mouse? 174 00:07:04,291 --> 00:07:07,194 It's a cock-a-mouse. 175 00:07:08,762 --> 00:07:09,797 What? 176 00:07:09,863 --> 00:07:13,100 It's some sort of mutant combination of the two. 177 00:07:13,166 --> 00:07:16,770 It's as if a cockroach and a mouse, you know... 178 00:07:16,837 --> 00:07:20,541 Did the horizontal, ten-legged, interspecies cha-cha? 179 00:07:20,608 --> 00:07:22,042 That's impossible. 180 00:07:22,109 --> 00:07:23,276 That simply can't happen. 181 00:07:23,343 --> 00:07:24,745 Oh, but it can. 182 00:07:24,812 --> 00:07:26,614 And it has. And it's pissed. 183 00:07:29,182 --> 00:07:30,951 Dude, is everything okay? You left the front door open. 184 00:07:31,018 --> 00:07:32,419 There was no time. 185 00:07:32,486 --> 00:07:35,589 ROBIN: So, Love Solutions? 186 00:07:35,656 --> 00:07:37,858 Did you meet the love of your life? 187 00:07:37,925 --> 00:07:41,261 She said it'd take three days. It's been five days. 188 00:07:41,328 --> 00:07:42,295 Should I be worried? 189 00:07:42,362 --> 00:07:43,430 Oh, just play it cool. 190 00:07:43,497 --> 00:07:45,566 Don't Ted out about it. 191 00:07:45,633 --> 00:07:48,001 Did you just use my name as a verb? 192 00:07:48,068 --> 00:07:49,570 Oh, yeah. 193 00:07:49,637 --> 00:07:50,904 We do that behind your back. 194 00:07:50,971 --> 00:07:52,005 "Ted out:" 195 00:07:52,072 --> 00:07:53,273 to overthink. 196 00:07:53,340 --> 00:07:54,575 Also see "Ted up." 197 00:07:54,642 --> 00:07:55,909 "Ted up:" to overthink 198 00:07:55,976 --> 00:07:57,945 something with disastrous results. 199 00:07:58,011 --> 00:08:00,514 Sample sentence: Billy Tedded up when he tried... 200 00:08:00,581 --> 00:08:02,215 Okay, I get it. 201 00:08:02,282 --> 00:08:03,717 Don't worry. 202 00:08:03,784 --> 00:08:05,686 I'm not going to Ted anything up. Or out. 203 00:08:05,753 --> 00:08:08,822 I should give it a few more days. 204 00:08:08,889 --> 00:08:12,092 Hi, Ellen. Remember me? I'm Ted. 205 00:08:12,159 --> 00:08:13,727 Ted, hi. 206 00:08:13,794 --> 00:08:15,428 I, uh, meant to call you. 207 00:08:15,495 --> 00:08:17,631 The computer is still crunching the numbers. 208 00:08:17,698 --> 00:08:19,066 Busy as a bee, that little computer. 209 00:08:19,132 --> 00:08:21,134 You said it was going to be three days. 210 00:08:21,201 --> 00:08:22,402 Did I? Hmm. 211 00:08:22,469 --> 00:08:23,704 Three days? Really? 212 00:08:23,771 --> 00:08:26,306 Yeah, and when someone says you're going to meet 213 00:08:26,373 --> 00:08:27,541 the perfect woman in three days, 214 00:08:27,608 --> 00:08:29,442 you kind of put that in your date book, so... 215 00:08:29,509 --> 00:08:31,645 How do I say this? 216 00:08:31,712 --> 00:08:33,513 This is going to be really hard. 217 00:08:33,581 --> 00:08:34,982 Ted... 218 00:08:35,048 --> 00:08:38,251 there are absolutely no women out there for you. 219 00:08:39,653 --> 00:08:42,155 Phew, actually, I got through that okay. 220 00:08:47,995 --> 00:08:49,362 There are no women out there for me? 221 00:08:49,429 --> 00:08:50,764 I thought you said there were eight. 222 00:08:50,831 --> 00:08:51,765 I know. There are supposed to be. 223 00:08:51,832 --> 00:08:52,766 I don't know where they are. 224 00:08:52,833 --> 00:08:54,635 But... I'm an architect. 225 00:08:54,702 --> 00:08:56,069 And you said I'm cute. 226 00:08:56,136 --> 00:08:57,137 I'm a cute architect. 227 00:08:57,204 --> 00:08:58,772 How do you think I feel? 228 00:08:58,839 --> 00:09:00,440 I have a 100% success rate. 229 00:09:00,507 --> 00:09:01,709 That's my hook. 230 00:09:01,775 --> 00:09:02,710 I could maybe find 231 00:09:02,776 --> 00:09:04,377 somebody for you if you were gay. 232 00:09:04,444 --> 00:09:06,046 Well, I'm not. A little bi maybe? 233 00:09:06,113 --> 00:09:07,147 No! 234 00:09:08,015 --> 00:09:09,482 You're messing with me, right? 235 00:09:09,549 --> 00:09:11,351 Come see for yourself. 236 00:09:11,418 --> 00:09:14,622 I cannot set you up 237 00:09:14,688 --> 00:09:15,756 unless you have a compatibility rating 238 00:09:15,823 --> 00:09:17,791 of 7.0 or higher. 239 00:09:17,858 --> 00:09:21,261 And look: 5.4, 4.8, 5.6. 240 00:09:21,328 --> 00:09:23,196 There's a 9.6 right there. 241 00:09:23,263 --> 00:09:26,133 Don't touch the computer. 242 00:09:26,199 --> 00:09:28,235 Yes, Sarah O'Brien. 243 00:09:28,301 --> 00:09:29,870 I fixed her up six months ago. 244 00:09:29,937 --> 00:09:31,839 She would have been absolutely perfect for you. 245 00:09:31,905 --> 00:09:33,106 Well, what about the guy you set her up with? 246 00:09:33,173 --> 00:09:35,008 Is he a 9.6 compatibility rating? 247 00:09:35,075 --> 00:09:36,376 8.5. 248 00:09:36,443 --> 00:09:37,745 So he sucks. 249 00:09:37,811 --> 00:09:41,581 No, 8.5 is an extremely good match-up quotient. 250 00:09:41,649 --> 00:09:45,719 Oh, sure, it's good. It's solid, but a 9.6? 251 00:09:45,786 --> 00:09:49,522 9.6 is off the charts, but Sarah is matched up. 252 00:09:49,589 --> 00:09:52,960 Ted, look, I have a lunch. 253 00:09:53,026 --> 00:09:54,561 Please, I promise we will 254 00:09:54,628 --> 00:09:57,064 find you somebody. Don't lose hope. 255 00:09:57,130 --> 00:09:59,800 There are new women turning 18 every day. 256 00:10:03,671 --> 00:10:07,207 ( up-tempo music playing ) 257 00:10:14,882 --> 00:10:19,086 ( up-tempo music continues ) 258 00:10:27,795 --> 00:10:29,697 It's a whole new species-- 259 00:10:29,763 --> 00:10:31,398 the cock-a-mouse. 260 00:10:31,464 --> 00:10:34,167 And it's the size of a potato. 261 00:10:36,904 --> 00:10:40,107 So what, now it's a cock-a-potato-mouse? 262 00:10:40,173 --> 00:10:41,641 Don't make it sound ridiculous. 263 00:10:41,709 --> 00:10:43,977 It's a cock-a-mouse. 264 00:10:44,044 --> 00:10:47,180 My God, this is incredible. We're like the same person. 265 00:10:47,247 --> 00:10:50,751 Sarah O'Brien loves brunch. She wants to have two children. 266 00:10:50,818 --> 00:10:52,753 Her guilty pleasure song 267 00:10:52,820 --> 00:10:54,755 is "Summer Breeze" by Seals and Crofts. 268 00:10:54,822 --> 00:10:57,725 Wow, Ted, sounds like you're her perfect woman. 269 00:10:59,126 --> 00:11:00,460 And like the majestic seahorse, 270 00:11:00,527 --> 00:11:01,762 it's hermaphroditic. 271 00:11:03,130 --> 00:11:06,834 Obviously the whole thing is shrouded in mystery. 272 00:11:06,900 --> 00:11:09,036 For as much as we know about the cock-a-mouse, 273 00:11:09,102 --> 00:11:11,038 there's still so much we don't know. 274 00:11:12,472 --> 00:11:15,508 Well, we know that there's no such thing as the cock-a-mouse. 275 00:11:15,575 --> 00:11:18,879 What we don't know is what you guys have been smoking. 276 00:11:18,946 --> 00:11:21,381 So you really don't believe in the cock-a-mouse? 277 00:11:21,448 --> 00:11:24,217 Well, I believe that you saw something perfectly normal, 278 00:11:24,284 --> 00:11:26,619 but you've exaggerated it in your mind, you know? 279 00:11:26,686 --> 00:11:28,288 Like the Loch Ness Monster. 280 00:11:30,891 --> 00:11:34,027 If by "like the Loch Ness Monster," 281 00:11:34,094 --> 00:11:36,764 you mean totally exists and is awesome, then yeah, 282 00:11:36,830 --> 00:11:38,799 it's like the Loch Ness Monster. 283 00:11:39,767 --> 00:11:41,234 Its diet is not unlike our own-- 284 00:11:41,301 --> 00:11:44,637 grains, cereals-- and it's awfully fond of cheese. 285 00:11:44,704 --> 00:11:45,672 Okay, this is getting weird. 286 00:11:45,739 --> 00:11:46,907 The similarities go on and on. 287 00:11:46,974 --> 00:11:48,308 She hates phonies. 288 00:11:48,375 --> 00:11:50,811 I totally hate phonies, too. 289 00:11:50,878 --> 00:11:51,779 She's a dermatologist. 290 00:11:51,845 --> 00:11:53,380 I have skin. 291 00:11:53,446 --> 00:11:55,115 You want to be her boyfriend. 292 00:11:55,182 --> 00:11:56,649 She already has a boyfriend. 293 00:11:56,716 --> 00:11:58,451 It's uncanny. 294 00:11:58,518 --> 00:11:59,719 All right. 295 00:11:59,787 --> 00:12:01,121 But it wouldn't hurt to check her out, right? 296 00:12:01,188 --> 00:12:03,556 See what my 9.6 looks like in person? 297 00:12:03,623 --> 00:12:05,125 As, you know, a frame of reference. 298 00:12:05,192 --> 00:12:07,694 And if she thinks she can do 11.45% better, 299 00:12:07,761 --> 00:12:09,797 who am I to deny her that? 300 00:12:09,863 --> 00:12:10,831 That's right. 301 00:12:10,898 --> 00:12:12,065 I did the math. 302 00:12:15,102 --> 00:12:16,669 Hi. 303 00:12:16,736 --> 00:12:18,671 Hi. I'm Dr. O'Brien. 304 00:12:18,738 --> 00:12:20,040 I'm Architect Mosby. 305 00:12:20,107 --> 00:12:22,275 Sorry, I just wanted to say my job, too. 306 00:12:23,310 --> 00:12:24,812 Hi, I'm Ted. Hi. 307 00:12:24,878 --> 00:12:26,013 So what are we doing today? 308 00:12:26,079 --> 00:12:28,415 Right, I, uh, I have a kind of mole on my back. 309 00:12:28,481 --> 00:12:29,649 It's probably nothing, 310 00:12:29,716 --> 00:12:30,818 but I'm a cautious guy. 311 00:12:30,884 --> 00:12:33,120 I'm exactly the same. 312 00:12:36,089 --> 00:12:41,694 * Summer breeze makes me feel fine * 313 00:12:41,761 --> 00:12:47,167 BOTH: * Blowing through the jasmine in my mind * 314 00:12:47,234 --> 00:12:49,136 ( imitates guitar riff ) 315 00:12:49,202 --> 00:12:50,670 ( chuckles ): Sorry about that. 316 00:12:50,737 --> 00:12:52,672 "Summer Breeze" is my guilty pleasure song. 317 00:12:52,739 --> 00:12:54,374 It's been stuck in my head 318 00:12:54,441 --> 00:12:57,710 ever since I heard it this weekend... at brunch. 319 00:12:57,777 --> 00:12:59,479 I love brunch. 320 00:12:59,546 --> 00:13:00,881 It's the best. 321 00:13:00,948 --> 00:13:02,549 As long as I don't have to spend it 322 00:13:02,615 --> 00:13:05,018 with a bunch of phonies. 323 00:13:05,085 --> 00:13:07,420 I like the way you think, Architect Mosby. 324 00:13:09,189 --> 00:13:10,657 Hey, this may sound weird, 325 00:13:10,723 --> 00:13:12,625 but it'll definitely sound more weird once my shirt's off. 326 00:13:12,692 --> 00:13:14,962 So I'm going to ask you now. 327 00:13:15,028 --> 00:13:16,897 Do you want to have dinner with me Saturday night? 328 00:13:16,964 --> 00:13:19,332 That's very sweet, 329 00:13:19,399 --> 00:13:22,135 but I'm actually getting married on Saturday. 330 00:13:23,803 --> 00:13:25,505 Friday night? 331 00:13:31,144 --> 00:13:32,745 Wow. You're getting married. 332 00:13:32,812 --> 00:13:35,082 Congratulations. Thank you. 333 00:13:35,148 --> 00:13:36,683 I'm really sorry I asked you out. 334 00:13:36,749 --> 00:13:37,717 It just felt like there could be 335 00:13:37,784 --> 00:13:39,486 this weird connection between us. 336 00:13:39,552 --> 00:13:40,954 How crazy am I coming off here? 337 00:13:41,021 --> 00:13:42,455 Only a little. 338 00:13:42,522 --> 00:13:43,723 Well... 339 00:13:43,790 --> 00:13:45,258 if by some million- to-one long shot 340 00:13:45,325 --> 00:13:46,526 and I'm not rooting for this-- 341 00:13:46,593 --> 00:13:49,629 you wind up not getting married this weekend, 342 00:13:49,696 --> 00:13:51,831 give me a call. 343 00:13:51,899 --> 00:13:52,765 Okay. 344 00:13:52,832 --> 00:13:53,666 But it's not likely. 345 00:13:53,733 --> 00:13:56,236 I look damn good in my dress. 346 00:13:56,303 --> 00:13:58,038 I'm sure you do. 347 00:14:02,209 --> 00:14:05,312 Wow, that's a pretty sophisticated trap. 348 00:14:05,378 --> 00:14:07,647 You think the roadrunner's going to fall for it? 349 00:14:07,714 --> 00:14:09,849 Okay, we get it. You're skeptical. 350 00:14:09,917 --> 00:14:11,818 But Marshall and I, we're believers. 351 00:14:11,885 --> 00:14:13,053 We believe. 352 00:14:13,120 --> 00:14:14,254 Yeah, look around. 353 00:14:14,321 --> 00:14:16,189 The universe is mysterious and awesome. 354 00:14:16,256 --> 00:14:19,626 You've got the Bermuda Triangle, ghosts, Bigfoot. 355 00:14:19,692 --> 00:14:23,196 Bad maps, creaky houses, hillbilly in a gorilla suit. 356 00:14:23,263 --> 00:14:24,064 Aliens. 357 00:14:25,132 --> 00:14:27,067 Oh, come on, you've got to give me aliens. 358 00:14:27,134 --> 00:14:29,236 Stonehenge, Area 51, 359 00:14:29,302 --> 00:14:31,104 there's alien crap all over the place. 360 00:14:31,171 --> 00:14:33,040 You can't be serious. 361 00:14:33,106 --> 00:14:35,943 My friend, you just poked the bear. 362 00:14:38,011 --> 00:14:40,213 So my 9.6-- 363 00:14:40,280 --> 00:14:42,882 beautiful, charming, intelligent, 364 00:14:42,950 --> 00:14:44,317 engaged. 365 00:14:44,384 --> 00:14:45,685 Oh, Ted. 366 00:14:45,752 --> 00:14:46,920 I'm so sorry. 367 00:14:46,987 --> 00:14:48,221 Yeah, it was a long shot. 368 00:14:48,288 --> 00:14:49,957 I told her to call me anyway if she changes her mind, 369 00:14:50,023 --> 00:14:51,324 but I don't know. 370 00:14:51,391 --> 00:14:54,161 Whoa, whoa, whoa. Let's not skip over this. 371 00:14:54,227 --> 00:14:58,098 Raise your hand if earlier today you hit on an engaged woman. 372 00:15:01,401 --> 00:15:03,403 Come on, Lily. Don't hate the player. 373 00:15:03,470 --> 00:15:04,604 Hate the game. 374 00:15:04,671 --> 00:15:08,541 "On the night of July 2, 1947, 375 00:15:08,608 --> 00:15:11,644 conditions were clear over Roswell, New Mexico..." 376 00:15:11,711 --> 00:15:13,080 Oh, geez. 377 00:15:13,146 --> 00:15:14,714 Oh, hey, Ted, there's a message on the machine for you. 378 00:15:14,781 --> 00:15:15,815 Dr. O'Brien. 379 00:15:15,882 --> 00:15:17,050 What? 380 00:15:17,117 --> 00:15:19,519 "When suddenly an array of..." 381 00:15:19,586 --> 00:15:22,990 ( over machine ): Ted, hi, this is Dr. O'Brien. 382 00:15:23,056 --> 00:15:26,093 About today, listen, I really need to talk to you. 383 00:15:26,159 --> 00:15:28,261 Call me. I'll be at the office all day. 384 00:15:28,328 --> 00:15:31,431 The doctor will see you now. 385 00:15:37,570 --> 00:15:38,371 What should I do? 386 00:15:38,438 --> 00:15:39,506 I should totally go down there, right? 387 00:15:39,572 --> 00:15:40,707 Don't interfere. 388 00:15:40,773 --> 00:15:43,843 Some guy is expecting to marry this woman on Saturday. 389 00:15:43,910 --> 00:15:46,079 Yeah, an 8.5 guy. 390 00:15:46,146 --> 00:15:47,680 Look, if I was marrying the wrong person 391 00:15:47,747 --> 00:15:49,616 and the right person was out there and knew it, 392 00:15:49,682 --> 00:15:52,052 I'd want that person to come down to my dermatology office 393 00:15:52,119 --> 00:15:53,153 and tell me so. 394 00:15:53,220 --> 00:15:54,387 In that scenario, 395 00:15:54,454 --> 00:15:56,456 I'm not interfering, I'm a happy ending. 396 00:15:56,523 --> 00:15:59,292 ( chuckles ): Happy ending. 397 00:15:59,359 --> 00:16:00,627 Look, I have to go down there. 398 00:16:00,693 --> 00:16:01,928 I don't know what's going to happen when I get there, 399 00:16:01,995 --> 00:16:03,196 but I've got to give it a shot. 400 00:16:03,263 --> 00:16:04,797 All right, see you later. 401 00:16:04,864 --> 00:16:05,932 Happy hunting. 402 00:16:05,999 --> 00:16:07,267 Wait, where are you guys going? 403 00:16:07,334 --> 00:16:09,402 Don't you want to stay and see the cock-a-mouse? 404 00:16:09,469 --> 00:16:11,704 Yeah, we're going to go make some crop circles. 405 00:16:14,974 --> 00:16:16,309 ( trap clatters ) 406 00:16:16,376 --> 00:16:17,377 Oh, my God! 407 00:16:17,444 --> 00:16:19,312 Holy crap buckets. We got it. 408 00:16:19,379 --> 00:16:21,814 What do we do with it? Calm down. 409 00:16:21,881 --> 00:16:23,050 I have a plan. 410 00:16:23,116 --> 00:16:24,451 I told my friend Sudeep about it. 411 00:16:24,517 --> 00:16:26,553 He wants to show it to the Columbia biology department. 412 00:16:26,619 --> 00:16:28,655 But it has to be alive. 413 00:16:28,721 --> 00:16:30,257 Wait, no, no! 414 00:16:30,323 --> 00:16:31,924 They'll do lab experiments on it. 415 00:16:31,991 --> 00:16:34,161 That's so mean. 416 00:16:34,227 --> 00:16:36,196 Shouldn't we just beat it to death with a bat? 417 00:16:40,600 --> 00:16:42,469 Hello again. 418 00:16:44,804 --> 00:16:45,938 I'm glad you came down. 419 00:16:46,005 --> 00:16:49,109 I would prefer to say this to you in person. 420 00:16:49,176 --> 00:16:50,143 Go ahead, Sarah. 421 00:16:50,210 --> 00:16:52,279 You can tell me anything. 422 00:16:52,345 --> 00:16:55,382 You have a basal cell carcinoma. 423 00:16:55,448 --> 00:16:58,985 Anything else? 424 00:16:59,052 --> 00:17:00,987 Your mole. 425 00:17:01,054 --> 00:17:02,722 The biopsy came back. 426 00:17:02,789 --> 00:17:03,890 It's not life-threatening, 427 00:17:03,956 --> 00:17:06,193 but we should excise the rest of it. 428 00:17:06,259 --> 00:17:08,161 Wait, then you're still getting married? 429 00:17:08,228 --> 00:17:10,197 Of course I'm still getting married. 430 00:17:10,263 --> 00:17:11,731 But we're a 9.6. 431 00:17:11,798 --> 00:17:13,533 Excuse me? 432 00:17:13,600 --> 00:17:14,567 Okay. 433 00:17:14,634 --> 00:17:17,404 I went to Love Solutions, and I saw 434 00:17:17,470 --> 00:17:18,738 on Ellen Pierce's computer, 435 00:17:18,805 --> 00:17:20,107 that you and I are a 9.6. 436 00:17:20,173 --> 00:17:21,374 Your fiancé is only 437 00:17:21,441 --> 00:17:22,542 an 8.5. 438 00:17:22,609 --> 00:17:23,976 You looked at my file? 439 00:17:24,043 --> 00:17:26,012 I had to. You're my only match. 440 00:17:26,079 --> 00:17:28,081 Aren't you even a little curious? 441 00:17:28,148 --> 00:17:29,349 The woman who set you up with your fiancé 442 00:17:29,416 --> 00:17:30,850 thinks we're a better match. 443 00:17:30,917 --> 00:17:33,586 I am getting married on Saturday. 444 00:17:35,988 --> 00:17:38,925 *Summer breeze... * Ted. 445 00:17:38,991 --> 00:17:41,361 Look, don't you think you're being a little impulsive 446 00:17:41,428 --> 00:17:43,263 marrying a guy you just met a few months ago? 447 00:17:43,330 --> 00:17:45,465 Don't you think it's a little impulsive for you 448 00:17:45,532 --> 00:17:48,034 to proposition an engaged woman you don't even know? 449 00:17:48,101 --> 00:17:50,303 See? We're both impulsive. 450 00:17:50,370 --> 00:17:51,738 We're perfect for each other. 451 00:17:51,804 --> 00:17:53,406 Ted, just calm down. 452 00:17:53,473 --> 00:17:56,143 Calm down?! You're my only match. 453 00:17:56,209 --> 00:17:57,577 God, there was a computer 454 00:17:57,644 --> 00:18:00,747 and there were eight fish in a sea full of lesbians and... 455 00:18:00,813 --> 00:18:01,814 Okay, Ted, Ted. 456 00:18:03,516 --> 00:18:05,285 Do you honestly believe, deep down, 457 00:18:05,352 --> 00:18:07,454 that there is no one else out there for you 458 00:18:07,520 --> 00:18:09,422 just because some computer says so? 459 00:18:10,957 --> 00:18:14,060 I didn't used to. 460 00:18:14,127 --> 00:18:17,197 But there was math. I got confused. 461 00:18:17,264 --> 00:18:18,998 Love isn't a science. 462 00:18:19,065 --> 00:18:21,234 You can't calculate a feeling. 463 00:18:21,301 --> 00:18:23,236 When you fall in love with someone, 464 00:18:23,303 --> 00:18:26,639 an 8.5 equals a perfect ten. 465 00:18:26,706 --> 00:18:28,841 You're right. 466 00:18:30,310 --> 00:18:31,911 If this thing is what you say it is, 467 00:18:31,978 --> 00:18:33,813 it could be huge for my career. 468 00:18:33,880 --> 00:18:35,948 Brace yourself, dude. 469 00:18:36,015 --> 00:18:38,818 This is going to blow your mind hole. 470 00:18:41,854 --> 00:18:43,089 You bastard. 471 00:18:43,156 --> 00:18:44,924 I actually got excited about this. 472 00:18:44,991 --> 00:18:45,992 What? 473 00:18:46,058 --> 00:18:49,462 It's empty. 474 00:18:49,529 --> 00:18:51,264 Wait, but if it's not here, 475 00:18:51,331 --> 00:18:53,433 that means... 476 00:18:53,500 --> 00:18:54,501 Lily. 477 00:18:54,567 --> 00:18:57,170 ( gasps ): Robin! 478 00:18:57,237 --> 00:18:59,406 What? ( squealing ) 479 00:19:00,507 --> 00:19:03,142 Oh, my God. It's real. 480 00:19:03,210 --> 00:19:04,844 No, is it? 481 00:19:04,911 --> 00:19:05,845 Do something. 482 00:19:10,049 --> 00:19:11,284 ( screams ) 483 00:19:11,351 --> 00:19:13,620 What the hell was that? You trying to get it drunk? 484 00:19:13,686 --> 00:19:15,722 It was the only thing I could think of. 485 00:19:15,788 --> 00:19:17,690 Lily! Thank God. 486 00:19:17,757 --> 00:19:19,426 ( screams ) 487 00:19:21,127 --> 00:19:22,895 Lily, I love you. 488 00:19:22,962 --> 00:19:25,932 Robin, open up the window! ( screams ) 489 00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:29,369 ( yelling, screaming ) 490 00:19:29,436 --> 00:19:32,104 Open the window! Ah! 491 00:19:32,171 --> 00:19:34,207 ( sighs heavily ) 492 00:19:34,274 --> 00:19:37,244 It can fly. 493 00:19:37,310 --> 00:19:39,912 Wow. Wow. Wow. 494 00:19:39,979 --> 00:19:41,714 Be free, mutant beast. 495 00:19:41,781 --> 00:19:44,351 I'll miss this private war of ours. 496 00:19:44,417 --> 00:19:46,386 I grew to admire your tenacious... 497 00:19:46,453 --> 00:19:49,021 Holy mother of God, it's headed this way! 498 00:19:49,088 --> 00:19:50,623 ( screaming ) 499 00:19:58,030 --> 00:19:59,266 Hi, Ellen. 500 00:20:01,668 --> 00:20:03,870 I think I want my money back. 501 00:20:03,936 --> 00:20:06,205 I'm a failure. 502 00:20:06,273 --> 00:20:07,740 I'm all washed up. 503 00:20:07,807 --> 00:20:09,409 I tried everything, Ted. 504 00:20:09,476 --> 00:20:11,244 I widened the search parameters. 505 00:20:11,311 --> 00:20:13,313 I tweaked the program. 506 00:20:13,380 --> 00:20:17,550 Last night I stood out on the street for five hours 507 00:20:17,617 --> 00:20:20,487 showing your photo to random pedestrians. No takers. 508 00:20:22,121 --> 00:20:23,323 Although this transvestite hooker 509 00:20:23,390 --> 00:20:24,857 said he/she would do you for half price 510 00:20:24,924 --> 00:20:26,493 because you kind of look like John Cusack 511 00:20:26,559 --> 00:20:29,496 and his/her favorite movie was Say Anything. 512 00:20:30,830 --> 00:20:32,932 Come on, Ellen. I mean, a pint of ice cream, 513 00:20:32,999 --> 00:20:34,166 isn't that a bit cliché? 514 00:20:34,233 --> 00:20:37,270 It's for the bourbon. 515 00:20:37,337 --> 00:20:38,405 This isn't hopeless. 516 00:20:38,471 --> 00:20:39,906 You're going to find someone for me. 517 00:20:39,972 --> 00:20:41,541 No, I won't. 518 00:20:41,608 --> 00:20:43,543 You're going to die alone. 519 00:20:43,610 --> 00:20:46,145 I'm not going to die alone. 520 00:20:46,212 --> 00:20:48,381 Look at me. I'm bright, I'm attractive. 521 00:20:48,448 --> 00:20:50,383 You just got to get back out there and keep looking. 522 00:20:50,450 --> 00:20:52,285 No, you're never going to find anybody. 523 00:20:52,352 --> 00:20:54,086 And every year you're just getting older 524 00:20:54,153 --> 00:20:56,088 and it's getting harder and harder. 525 00:20:56,155 --> 00:20:57,424 You're being ridiculous. 526 00:20:57,490 --> 00:20:59,025 I'm going to be up on that wall one of these days. 527 00:20:59,091 --> 00:21:00,026 No, you won't! 528 00:21:00,092 --> 00:21:01,160 Yes, I will! 529 00:21:01,227 --> 00:21:02,595 How do you know? 530 00:21:02,662 --> 00:21:05,131 I don't know, but I believe. 531 00:21:05,197 --> 00:21:07,367 Hell, if a cockroach and a mouse 532 00:21:07,434 --> 00:21:08,968 can find love in this crazy city, 533 00:21:09,035 --> 00:21:10,770 then, damn it, so can I. 534 00:21:10,837 --> 00:21:12,972 You're losing me. 535 00:21:13,039 --> 00:21:15,642 The point is, something good's going to happen to me. 536 00:21:15,708 --> 00:21:17,377 Maybe your computer will help, 537 00:21:17,444 --> 00:21:19,512 maybe it won't, but it'll happen. 538 00:21:21,648 --> 00:21:23,316 So I should keep looking? 539 00:21:23,383 --> 00:21:25,585 Of course you should. 540 00:21:25,652 --> 00:21:29,822 And now, you're going to do it for free.