1 00:00:13,947 --> 00:00:15,283 TED: Kids, when you're single 2 00:00:15,349 --> 00:00:18,186 all you're looking for is happily ever after. 3 00:00:18,252 --> 00:00:20,588 but only one of your stories can end that way. 4 00:00:20,654 --> 00:00:23,257 The rest end with someone getting hurt. 5 00:00:23,324 --> 00:00:27,528 This is one of those stories, and it starts with a shirt. 6 00:00:27,595 --> 00:00:28,562 A shirt? 7 00:00:28,629 --> 00:00:30,164 TED: Just listen, 8 00:00:30,231 --> 00:00:31,932 because none of this would have happened 9 00:00:31,999 --> 00:00:33,667 if it hadn't been for that shirt. 10 00:00:33,734 --> 00:00:36,036 Whoa. 11 00:00:37,905 --> 00:00:39,073 Nice shirt. 12 00:00:39,140 --> 00:00:40,708 Right? Right? 13 00:00:40,774 --> 00:00:41,942 Look at those colors. 14 00:00:42,009 --> 00:00:43,844 Green and brown, together at last. 15 00:00:43,911 --> 00:00:45,879 Hot top, bro! Is it new? 16 00:00:45,946 --> 00:00:47,148 That's the crazy part. 17 00:00:47,215 --> 00:00:48,716 I've had this shirt for, like, six years. 18 00:00:48,782 --> 00:00:50,584 Until this morning, I wasn't into it at all, 19 00:00:50,651 --> 00:00:53,053 but now, it's like my tastes have changed. 20 00:00:53,121 --> 00:00:53,721 Booger. 21 00:00:53,787 --> 00:00:55,156 Yes, hello, Barney. 22 00:00:55,223 --> 00:00:56,457 ROBIN: Barney's offered me 23 00:00:56,524 --> 00:00:59,427 50 bucks to say some stupid word on a live news report. 24 00:00:59,493 --> 00:01:01,829 Not some stupid word. "Booger." 25 00:01:02,663 --> 00:01:03,997 But I'm not doing it. 26 00:01:04,064 --> 00:01:04,865 I am a journalist. 27 00:01:04,932 --> 00:01:06,500 What?! Journalist?! 28 00:01:06,567 --> 00:01:09,137 You do the little fluff pieces at the end of the news. 29 00:01:09,203 --> 00:01:11,739 Old people. Babies. Monkeys. 30 00:01:11,805 --> 00:01:12,940 That's not journalism. 31 00:01:13,006 --> 00:01:14,608 That's just... things in a diaper. 32 00:01:15,909 --> 00:01:19,280 For your information, my boss is about to bump me up to... 33 00:01:19,347 --> 00:01:21,014 the city hall beat. 34 00:01:21,081 --> 00:01:22,983 City hall? Miss Thing. 35 00:01:23,050 --> 00:01:25,519 So I'm not going to jeopardize my promotion 36 00:01:25,586 --> 00:01:27,588 by saying "booger" for 50 bucks. 37 00:01:27,655 --> 00:01:28,589 Of course not. 38 00:01:28,656 --> 00:01:30,924 'cause now you're saying "nipple," 39 00:01:30,991 --> 00:01:32,326 and it's a hundred. 40 00:01:33,327 --> 00:01:35,696 Step into my web. 41 00:01:36,897 --> 00:01:38,065 Mmm! 42 00:01:38,132 --> 00:01:39,300 Whose bourbon is this? 43 00:01:39,367 --> 00:01:41,569 Ooh, I don't know. It was here when we sat down. 44 00:01:41,635 --> 00:01:42,636 Gahhh... 45 00:01:42,703 --> 00:01:43,804 The point is... 46 00:01:43,871 --> 00:01:45,439 I seem to like bourbon now. 47 00:01:45,506 --> 00:01:47,208 I could've sworn I hated bourbon. 48 00:01:47,275 --> 00:01:49,310 First the shirt, now bourbon. 49 00:01:49,377 --> 00:01:52,246 I spent 27 years making up my mind about things, right? 50 00:01:52,313 --> 00:01:53,814 The movie I saw once and hated; 51 00:01:53,881 --> 00:01:55,283 the city I'll never go back to 52 00:01:55,349 --> 00:01:56,850 'cause it was raining the day I visited. 53 00:01:56,917 --> 00:02:00,154 Maybe it's time to start forming some second impressions. 54 00:02:00,221 --> 00:02:02,156 You're finally gonna watch Goonies again? 55 00:02:02,223 --> 00:02:04,958 "Sloth love Chunk." 56 00:02:05,025 --> 00:02:07,628 Not Goonies. Girls. 57 00:02:07,695 --> 00:02:09,163 What if there's someone from my past 58 00:02:09,230 --> 00:02:11,399 who I thought was wrong for me at the time, 59 00:02:11,465 --> 00:02:14,067 when in fact she, like this shirt, 60 00:02:14,134 --> 00:02:16,136 is actually a perfect fit? 61 00:02:16,204 --> 00:02:17,571 Hold up. There are only two reasons 62 00:02:17,638 --> 00:02:19,807 to ever date a girl you've already dated: 63 00:02:19,873 --> 00:02:22,009 Breast... implants. 64 00:02:22,075 --> 00:02:23,911 You know, this isn't a bad idea. 65 00:02:23,977 --> 00:02:25,179 Let's think... 66 00:02:25,246 --> 00:02:27,381 Ted's greatest hits. 67 00:02:27,448 --> 00:02:29,183 What about that girl Steph? 68 00:02:29,250 --> 00:02:31,352 Steph... 69 00:02:31,419 --> 00:02:32,920 Okay, this is difficult to say: 70 00:02:32,986 --> 00:02:34,355 Back when I lived 71 00:02:34,422 --> 00:02:36,324 in L.A., I was pretty broke, 72 00:02:36,390 --> 00:02:40,027 so I spent a month making adult films. 73 00:02:40,093 --> 00:02:43,497 Wow. Okay... 74 00:02:43,564 --> 00:02:44,732 How... how many did you make? 75 00:02:44,798 --> 00:02:45,933 175. 76 00:02:48,669 --> 00:02:50,904 Say what you will about the porn industry, 77 00:02:50,971 --> 00:02:53,040 they're hard workers. 78 00:02:53,106 --> 00:02:55,509 What about that chick, um... Jackie? 79 00:02:56,344 --> 00:02:57,278 ...and my bathing suit 80 00:02:57,345 --> 00:02:58,812 had fallen completely off. 81 00:02:58,879 --> 00:03:00,013 ( both laughing ) 82 00:03:00,080 --> 00:03:01,549 I know the feeling. Once, 83 00:03:01,615 --> 00:03:03,817 when I was 16, I was driving, 84 00:03:03,884 --> 00:03:05,653 and I hit this hitchhiker. 85 00:03:05,719 --> 00:03:06,587 Don't know what 86 00:03:06,654 --> 00:03:08,389 happened to him-- just kept driving. 87 00:03:08,456 --> 00:03:09,823 ( laughing ) 88 00:03:11,158 --> 00:03:12,693 Uh... no. 89 00:03:13,894 --> 00:03:15,863 What about Natalie? 90 00:03:15,929 --> 00:03:18,766 ALL: Natalie... 91 00:03:18,832 --> 00:03:19,833 Who's Natalie? 92 00:03:19,900 --> 00:03:21,369 Natalie. 93 00:03:21,435 --> 00:03:23,704 I had so many fond memories of her: 94 00:03:23,771 --> 00:03:26,073 The tea candles on her dresser, 95 00:03:26,139 --> 00:03:28,876 the sock monkey collection on her bed, 96 00:03:28,942 --> 00:03:31,812 that one Belle & Sebastian song she always listened to, 97 00:03:31,879 --> 00:03:35,215 her smile... 98 00:03:35,283 --> 00:03:37,918 Man, I haven't seen her in, like, three years. 99 00:03:37,985 --> 00:03:38,952 Well, why'd you guys break up? 100 00:03:39,019 --> 00:03:41,389 I just wasn't looking for a big commitment at the time. 101 00:03:41,455 --> 00:03:43,257 Of course, now a big commitment doesn't seem so bad. 102 00:03:43,324 --> 00:03:44,258 Maybe I should call her. 103 00:03:44,325 --> 00:03:45,326 What do you guys think? 104 00:03:45,393 --> 00:03:48,696 You dumped a porn star? 105 00:03:49,297 --> 00:03:50,364 Friendship over. 106 00:03:50,431 --> 00:03:52,866 Friendship over! 107 00:03:55,235 --> 00:03:56,304 ( knocking at door ) 108 00:03:56,370 --> 00:03:57,938 Come in! All right, 109 00:03:58,005 --> 00:03:59,239 get back to me, then. 110 00:03:59,307 --> 00:04:00,841 You wanted to see me, Mr. Adams. 111 00:04:00,908 --> 00:04:01,575 Yes, I did. 112 00:04:01,642 --> 00:04:04,345 I need you to cover a story. 113 00:04:04,412 --> 00:04:05,979 It's down at city hall. 114 00:04:06,046 --> 00:04:07,781 City hall? 115 00:04:07,848 --> 00:04:09,317 Oh, my God. 116 00:04:09,383 --> 00:04:10,618 ( exhilarated sigh ) 117 00:04:10,684 --> 00:04:13,454 So, next time you're passing city hall, 118 00:04:13,521 --> 00:04:16,724 make sure and stop by New York's oldest hot dog cart. 119 00:04:16,790 --> 00:04:19,793 Today, a delicious hot dog will cost you $2.50. 120 00:04:19,860 --> 00:04:23,397 But, back when the stand first opened, in 1955, 121 00:04:23,464 --> 00:04:25,733 you could get one for only a nipple. 122 00:04:25,799 --> 00:04:28,168 Reporting live, Robin Trubotsky, 123 00:04:28,235 --> 00:04:30,070 Metro News 1. 124 00:04:30,137 --> 00:04:32,139 I said "nipple" on the news. 125 00:04:32,205 --> 00:04:33,206 That was so unprofessional! 126 00:04:33,273 --> 00:04:35,242 I said "nipple" on the news! 127 00:04:35,309 --> 00:04:37,010 At least it's better than "booger." 128 00:04:37,077 --> 00:04:38,078 ( laughs ) 129 00:04:38,145 --> 00:04:39,513 Booger. 130 00:04:40,714 --> 00:04:43,050 ( knocking ) There she is. 131 00:04:43,116 --> 00:04:44,652 Hey, is it cold in here? 132 00:04:44,718 --> 00:04:46,520 'Cause I can kinda see Robin's nickels. 133 00:04:46,587 --> 00:04:47,755 ( chuckling ) 134 00:04:48,756 --> 00:04:51,325 Now, for your next challenge... 135 00:04:51,392 --> 00:04:52,626 There is not going to be another challenge. 136 00:04:52,693 --> 00:04:54,094 I don't care how much you offer me. 137 00:04:54,161 --> 00:04:56,697 Oh, search your soul, Robin. 138 00:04:56,764 --> 00:04:59,166 You and I both know this wasn't about the money. 139 00:04:59,232 --> 00:05:01,535 Sure, Metro News 1 pays you jack, 140 00:05:01,602 --> 00:05:04,171 and, hey, a little green salad on the side 141 00:05:04,237 --> 00:05:06,507 is good for you, me, and Mr. McGee. 142 00:05:06,574 --> 00:05:08,075 Seriously, who talks like that? 143 00:05:09,209 --> 00:05:10,578 What baby really likes 144 00:05:10,644 --> 00:05:12,346 is the thrill of pulling one over 145 00:05:12,413 --> 00:05:15,416 on those bean counters who underappreciate you, 146 00:05:15,483 --> 00:05:17,451 and still haven't promoted you, 147 00:05:17,518 --> 00:05:19,987 and so, for two more hundie sticks, 148 00:05:20,053 --> 00:05:22,790 baby's going to look in the camera and say this. 149 00:05:24,091 --> 00:05:25,092 Eww! 150 00:05:26,293 --> 00:05:28,095 I'm just assuming. 151 00:05:28,161 --> 00:05:30,063 I gotta go back to work. 152 00:05:30,130 --> 00:05:32,533 See ya. Bye. 153 00:05:32,600 --> 00:05:34,435 Baby's gonna think about it. 154 00:05:34,502 --> 00:05:35,403 ( clicks tongue ) 155 00:05:37,771 --> 00:05:38,572 Found it! 156 00:05:38,639 --> 00:05:40,508 I found Natalie's number. 157 00:05:40,574 --> 00:05:41,609 Hey, Ted! Nice shirt! 158 00:05:41,675 --> 00:05:43,944 Is it yesterday already? 159 00:05:45,446 --> 00:05:47,114 I am calling her. 160 00:05:47,180 --> 00:05:48,048 This is crazy. 161 00:05:48,115 --> 00:05:50,618 I haven't talked to her in, like, three years. 162 00:05:50,684 --> 00:05:52,453 Wonder if she even remembers me. 163 00:05:52,520 --> 00:05:54,822 ( phone ringing ) 164 00:05:54,888 --> 00:05:55,823 Hello. 165 00:05:55,889 --> 00:05:56,857 Natalie. 166 00:05:56,924 --> 00:05:58,759 It's Ted Mosby. 167 00:05:58,826 --> 00:06:00,594 Go to hell. 168 00:06:03,363 --> 00:06:05,466 She remembers me. 169 00:06:10,971 --> 00:06:11,772 Why would Natalie 170 00:06:11,839 --> 00:06:13,206 hang up on you? I don't know. 171 00:06:13,273 --> 00:06:14,608 Did you sleep with her sister? 172 00:06:14,675 --> 00:06:15,609 No. 173 00:06:15,676 --> 00:06:16,877 Did you sleep with her mom? 174 00:06:16,944 --> 00:06:17,778 No. 175 00:06:17,845 --> 00:06:19,813 I'm losing interest in your story. 176 00:06:20,848 --> 00:06:22,683 Well, you must have done something. 177 00:06:22,750 --> 00:06:24,217 Why did you guys break up? 178 00:06:24,284 --> 00:06:26,186 He wasn't ready for a commitment. 179 00:06:26,253 --> 00:06:27,387 Uh-huh. 180 00:06:28,889 --> 00:06:30,891 And her birthday might've been coming up. 181 00:06:30,958 --> 00:06:32,626 ( suspiciously ): Uh-huh... 182 00:06:32,693 --> 00:06:34,428 Okay, so I didn't want to get a boyfriend-level gift 183 00:06:34,495 --> 00:06:35,796 for a girl I was just about to break up with. 184 00:06:35,863 --> 00:06:39,099 So you dumped her right before her birthday? 185 00:06:39,166 --> 00:06:42,903 No, I didn't dump her right before her birthday. 186 00:06:43,971 --> 00:06:45,539 Uh-oh. 187 00:06:45,606 --> 00:06:46,807 Natalie! Hey. 188 00:06:46,874 --> 00:06:49,910 Happy birthday. 189 00:06:49,977 --> 00:06:51,078 Listen... 190 00:06:51,144 --> 00:06:52,880 ( in rhythm ): Never break up with a girl 191 00:06:52,946 --> 00:06:54,414 on her birthday! 192 00:06:54,482 --> 00:06:55,749 Lily, please! The shirt! 193 00:06:55,816 --> 00:06:56,484 I know! 194 00:06:56,550 --> 00:06:58,085 It was a mistake! 195 00:06:58,151 --> 00:07:00,454 Well, did she cry her eyes out? 196 00:07:00,521 --> 00:07:01,421 I don't know. 197 00:07:01,489 --> 00:07:04,157 How do you not...?! 198 00:07:04,224 --> 00:07:06,359 Oh, you didn't. 199 00:07:06,426 --> 00:07:10,330 Natalie! Hey, happy birthday. 200 00:07:10,397 --> 00:07:12,165 Listen... 201 00:07:13,967 --> 00:07:15,435 You're awesome. 202 00:07:15,503 --> 00:07:17,170 You really are. 203 00:07:17,237 --> 00:07:18,739 Awesome. 204 00:07:18,806 --> 00:07:21,609 I'm just like super-busy right now, so... 205 00:07:21,675 --> 00:07:26,213 maybe we should just... call it a day. 206 00:07:26,279 --> 00:07:28,215 But you're awesome. 207 00:07:28,281 --> 00:07:30,784 On her answering machine!? 208 00:07:30,851 --> 00:07:32,553 Lily, come on. And on her birthday?! 209 00:07:32,620 --> 00:07:35,022 Oh, who breaks up with somebody 210 00:07:35,088 --> 00:07:37,625 on their answering machine on their birthday?! 211 00:07:37,691 --> 00:07:39,192 Yeah, dude. E-mail. 212 00:07:39,259 --> 00:07:42,763 Not exactly the point I was trying to make, Marshall. 213 00:07:42,830 --> 00:07:45,766 That is a terrible way to break up with someone. 214 00:07:45,833 --> 00:07:47,601 Okay, in my client's defense, 215 00:07:47,668 --> 00:07:48,702 is there an unterrible 216 00:07:48,769 --> 00:07:50,237 way to break up with somebody? No. 217 00:07:50,303 --> 00:07:53,473 Personally, I'd rather hear the bad news on an answering machine 218 00:07:53,541 --> 00:07:54,908 than face the humiliation in person. 219 00:07:54,975 --> 00:07:57,010 It's the least painful way you can do it. 220 00:07:57,077 --> 00:07:58,045 Who are you calling? 221 00:07:58,111 --> 00:07:59,479 Hi, Marshall. It's Lily. 222 00:07:59,547 --> 00:08:01,549 We're not gonna have sex for at least a month, 223 00:08:01,615 --> 00:08:02,550 but you're awesome. 224 00:08:02,616 --> 00:08:03,884 Okay, bye-bye. 225 00:08:03,951 --> 00:08:05,418 No, that was 226 00:08:05,485 --> 00:08:06,554 a big mistake, Ted. 227 00:08:06,620 --> 00:08:07,921 You should've done it in person. 228 00:08:07,988 --> 00:08:09,156 Thank you. 229 00:08:09,222 --> 00:08:12,225 Desperate, please-don't-leave-me sex is amazing. 230 00:08:13,827 --> 00:08:15,062 Okay, it was childish and stupid. 231 00:08:15,128 --> 00:08:17,330 I just... I didn't want to see her cry. 232 00:08:17,397 --> 00:08:19,633 Well, guess what? She cried. 233 00:08:19,700 --> 00:08:22,603 You just didn't have the sack to face those tears. 234 00:08:22,670 --> 00:08:24,271 That was me then, okay? 235 00:08:24,337 --> 00:08:27,474 This is the new, old-shirt- wearing, sack-having Ted. 236 00:08:27,541 --> 00:08:28,876 I'm gonna make this right. 237 00:08:28,942 --> 00:08:30,510 You know what else? "My younger sister 238 00:08:30,578 --> 00:08:32,412 just got married, and I'm about to turn 30" sex. 239 00:08:32,479 --> 00:08:34,848 Fantastic. 240 00:08:36,149 --> 00:08:38,351 An occasion that was supposed to be joyous 241 00:08:38,418 --> 00:08:41,555 suddenly turned tragic when Ethel and Sadie Margolis, 242 00:08:41,622 --> 00:08:43,223 New York's oldest twins, 243 00:08:43,290 --> 00:08:45,458 suddenly passed away on this, 244 00:08:45,525 --> 00:08:48,461 the eve of their 100th birthday. 245 00:08:48,528 --> 00:08:51,364 I'm a dirty, dirty girl. 246 00:08:51,431 --> 00:08:52,933 ( flatly ): Ow. 247 00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:56,837 Reporting live, Robin Trubotsky, Metro News 1. 248 00:08:56,904 --> 00:08:59,539 Clear. 249 00:08:59,607 --> 00:09:02,042 Joel Adams wants to see you in his office. 250 00:09:03,944 --> 00:09:05,312 Before you say anything, 251 00:09:05,378 --> 00:09:09,082 I just want to say I really like working here at Metro News 1. 252 00:09:09,149 --> 00:09:11,719 That's great. So, my dog keeps going 253 00:09:11,785 --> 00:09:15,388 ( throaty, high-pitched growling ) 254 00:09:15,455 --> 00:09:17,124 What's...? What? 255 00:09:17,190 --> 00:09:17,925 You have dogs, right? 256 00:09:17,991 --> 00:09:19,593 What do you think that means? 257 00:09:19,660 --> 00:09:20,761 Take him to the vet? 258 00:09:20,828 --> 00:09:21,895 ( sputters ) 259 00:09:21,962 --> 00:09:23,664 Genius. 260 00:09:23,731 --> 00:09:25,666 That's one I owe you. 261 00:09:25,733 --> 00:09:27,267 Was that all? 262 00:09:27,334 --> 00:09:28,201 Yeah. 263 00:09:31,504 --> 00:09:32,973 And nothing about the twins story? 264 00:09:33,040 --> 00:09:35,275 Oh, yeah, great job on that one. New York loves you. 265 00:09:35,342 --> 00:09:36,476 You're a superstar. Bye-bye. 266 00:09:36,543 --> 00:09:39,613 That's when Robin realized 267 00:09:39,680 --> 00:09:44,184 no one, not even her boss, watched Metro News 1. 268 00:09:44,251 --> 00:09:46,319 ( doorbell ringing ) 269 00:09:54,161 --> 00:09:55,095 Hi. 270 00:09:56,764 --> 00:09:58,365 ( knocking ) 271 00:09:58,431 --> 00:09:59,466 Natalie! Come on! 272 00:09:59,532 --> 00:10:01,034 I just want to say I'm sorry. 273 00:10:01,101 --> 00:10:03,536 I only came down here 'cause you wouldn't take my call. 274 00:10:03,603 --> 00:10:04,972 Hey, here's an idea-- 275 00:10:05,038 --> 00:10:06,974 why don't you leave a message? 276 00:10:07,908 --> 00:10:09,109 ( forced laugh ) 277 00:10:09,176 --> 00:10:10,377 Good one. 278 00:10:10,443 --> 00:10:13,981 Okay, fine, I'm just going to leave this sock monkey here. 279 00:10:14,047 --> 00:10:15,348 Good-bye. 280 00:10:20,353 --> 00:10:22,055 ( shrieks ) Natalie... Okay! Okay! 281 00:10:22,122 --> 00:10:24,692 Look, look, look. I know you're mad, but... 282 00:10:24,758 --> 00:10:26,093 happy birthday. 283 00:10:26,159 --> 00:10:27,127 Three years ago. 284 00:10:27,194 --> 00:10:30,097 Oh, yeah? Up yours three years ago. 285 00:10:30,163 --> 00:10:32,766 Look, look, I was an idiot leaving that message. 286 00:10:32,833 --> 00:10:34,768 I realize how much that sucked. 287 00:10:34,835 --> 00:10:36,870 No, you don't. 288 00:10:36,937 --> 00:10:39,840 Maybe we should just call it a day. 289 00:10:39,907 --> 00:10:43,243 But you're awesome. 290 00:10:43,310 --> 00:10:46,013 Okay, bye. 291 00:10:48,716 --> 00:10:50,150 ( weakly ): Surprise. 292 00:10:52,019 --> 00:10:53,754 There was a surprise party that night? 293 00:10:53,821 --> 00:10:56,056 How come nobody told me? 294 00:10:56,123 --> 00:10:58,759 People think I can't keep a secret, but I totally can. 295 00:10:59,827 --> 00:11:01,128 Sorry, not the issue. 296 00:11:01,194 --> 00:11:04,297 Look, Natalie, I was just a stupid kid back then, 297 00:11:04,364 --> 00:11:05,565 terrified of commitment. 298 00:11:05,632 --> 00:11:07,000 And I suppose you're suddenly ready 299 00:11:07,067 --> 00:11:08,635 to get married and settle down. 300 00:11:08,702 --> 00:11:11,204 Well, yeah, actually. 301 00:11:11,271 --> 00:11:13,006 I'm a different guy now. 302 00:11:13,073 --> 00:11:15,809 Give me another chance, huh? 303 00:11:15,876 --> 00:11:19,012 You must think I have absolutely no self-respect. 304 00:11:19,079 --> 00:11:21,181 Come on, just a cup of coffee. 305 00:11:22,315 --> 00:11:24,885 ( high-pitched voice ): Please, Natalie. 306 00:11:24,952 --> 00:11:26,419 Give the guy a chance. 307 00:11:27,788 --> 00:11:29,923 Self-respect is overrated. 308 00:11:31,759 --> 00:11:33,593 ( acoustic pop song plays ) 309 00:11:33,660 --> 00:11:35,295 ( sighs ) 310 00:11:35,362 --> 00:11:37,931 Wow. 311 00:11:37,998 --> 00:11:40,067 Maybe it was the caffeine, but you really 312 00:11:40,133 --> 00:11:42,202 brought your game up to a whole new level. 313 00:11:42,269 --> 00:11:43,270 Thanks. 314 00:11:43,336 --> 00:11:45,138 I did just start subscribing to Esquire. 315 00:11:45,205 --> 00:11:47,741 They have some helpful columns. 316 00:11:47,808 --> 00:11:51,912 The following is from the October issue. 317 00:11:51,979 --> 00:11:55,015 So Natalie and I started dating again. 318 00:11:55,082 --> 00:11:57,417 And just like that, it all came back. 319 00:11:57,484 --> 00:11:58,819 The tea candles... 320 00:11:58,886 --> 00:12:00,754 the sock monkeys... 321 00:12:00,821 --> 00:12:03,190 Belle and Sebastian, all of it. 322 00:12:03,256 --> 00:12:06,794 It seemed like happily ever after wasn't far off. 323 00:12:06,860 --> 00:12:07,995 Well, I better run. 324 00:12:08,061 --> 00:12:10,230 I have my Krav Maga class in half an hour. 325 00:12:10,297 --> 00:12:12,665 Krav Maga. How cool is it that she does Krav Maga? 326 00:12:12,732 --> 00:12:13,600 Thanks, honey. 327 00:12:13,666 --> 00:12:15,335 Mmm! 328 00:12:15,402 --> 00:12:16,569 Bye, guys. 329 00:12:16,636 --> 00:12:18,772 Bye. Bye. Take it easy. 330 00:12:18,839 --> 00:12:21,008 Dude, what's Krav Maga? 331 00:12:21,074 --> 00:12:23,911 I have no idea. Some kind of yoga? 332 00:12:23,977 --> 00:12:26,313 You know, that Natalie, she's good times. 333 00:12:26,379 --> 00:12:28,681 Yeah, she's, like, the best girl you've dated in years. 334 00:12:28,748 --> 00:12:30,017 Yeah, Ted, hold on to that one. 335 00:12:30,083 --> 00:12:34,521 Yeah. I have to break up with her. 336 00:12:37,257 --> 00:12:40,093 I don't get it, man. Natalie's awesome. 337 00:12:40,160 --> 00:12:43,763 I know, she's terrific, but I have to break up with her. 338 00:12:43,831 --> 00:12:47,500 ( in rhythm ): Why couldn't you leave that poor girl alone? 339 00:12:47,567 --> 00:12:49,369 I know. I hate this. 340 00:12:49,436 --> 00:12:51,204 These past three weeks have been great. 341 00:12:51,271 --> 00:12:54,674 I should be in love with her, but I'm not feeling that thing. 342 00:12:54,741 --> 00:12:56,476 It's ineffable. 343 00:12:56,543 --> 00:12:57,744 Ineffable. 344 00:12:57,811 --> 00:12:59,112 Good word. 345 00:12:59,179 --> 00:13:01,114 So when are you going to do it? 346 00:13:01,181 --> 00:13:02,749 She's probably on the subway by now. 347 00:13:02,816 --> 00:13:04,151 You could call her voice mail: 348 00:13:04,217 --> 00:13:07,187 Beep! "Dumped." Click. Done. 349 00:13:07,254 --> 00:13:08,989 No, I have to do this face-to-face. 350 00:13:09,056 --> 00:13:10,891 I just, I don't know what I'm going to say. 351 00:13:10,958 --> 00:13:12,625 "I'm not ready for a commitment." 352 00:13:12,692 --> 00:13:14,661 Oh, that's such a cliché. 353 00:13:14,727 --> 00:13:16,229 It's not a cliché, it's a classic. 354 00:13:16,296 --> 00:13:18,932 It's the "Stairway to Heaven" of breakup lines. 355 00:13:18,999 --> 00:13:21,801 Well, I think Natalie deserves better. 356 00:13:21,869 --> 00:13:24,504 Better. There's no "better" in breaking up. 357 00:13:24,571 --> 00:13:26,139 There's only "less awful." 358 00:13:26,206 --> 00:13:28,208 A cliché is a cliché for a reason. 359 00:13:28,275 --> 00:13:29,742 It's comforting. 360 00:13:29,809 --> 00:13:31,011 It doesn't matter. 361 00:13:31,078 --> 00:13:33,146 I already told her I am ready for a commitment, so... 362 00:13:33,213 --> 00:13:34,781 Oh, my God. There's no way out. 363 00:13:34,848 --> 00:13:36,116 I'm gonna have to marry her. 364 00:13:36,183 --> 00:13:38,351 No, no, we're gonna get you out of this. 365 00:13:38,418 --> 00:13:42,022 Okay, how about... "It's not you, it's me"? 366 00:13:42,089 --> 00:13:43,857 Mm, mm, six words-- 367 00:13:43,924 --> 00:13:46,393 "You look fat in those jeans." 368 00:13:46,459 --> 00:13:47,394 You're free to go. 369 00:13:47,460 --> 00:13:51,264 Ted, have you considered telling her the truth? 370 00:13:51,965 --> 00:13:53,934 ( laughing ) 371 00:13:54,001 --> 00:13:55,768 Seriously, honey, men are working here. 372 00:13:55,835 --> 00:13:57,270 Ted, what is the truth? 373 00:13:57,337 --> 00:13:59,706 Why do you want to break up with her? 374 00:13:59,772 --> 00:14:02,342 The truth? She's not the one. 375 00:14:02,409 --> 00:14:03,776 So tell her that. 376 00:14:03,843 --> 00:14:06,113 Oh, you can't tell her that. That's horrible. 377 00:14:06,179 --> 00:14:08,715 Why? What is so horrible about that? 378 00:14:08,781 --> 00:14:10,951 Yeah, what is so horrible about that? 379 00:14:11,018 --> 00:14:12,285 She's not the one. 380 00:14:12,352 --> 00:14:14,587 Why is that such a heartbreaking thing to hear? 381 00:14:14,654 --> 00:14:17,157 The chances of one person being another person's "the one" 382 00:14:17,224 --> 00:14:19,259 are like six billion to one. 383 00:14:19,326 --> 00:14:21,861 Yeah, you have better chances of winning the lottery. 384 00:14:21,929 --> 00:14:23,563 Exactly! You wouldn't take it personally 385 00:14:23,630 --> 00:14:24,864 if you lost the lottery. 386 00:14:24,932 --> 00:14:26,466 All right, man, tell her the truth. 387 00:14:26,533 --> 00:14:28,568 She's gonna cry. 388 00:14:28,635 --> 00:14:29,937 Yeah, and he's gonna sit there 389 00:14:30,003 --> 00:14:31,838 and he's gonna take it like a man. 390 00:14:31,905 --> 00:14:33,540 I have to do the mature thing. 391 00:14:33,606 --> 00:14:35,008 Want to talk mature? 392 00:14:35,075 --> 00:14:36,977 I just wrapped up a live newscast 393 00:14:37,044 --> 00:14:39,579 by honking my own boobs. 394 00:14:39,646 --> 00:14:41,949 And great TV was had by all. 395 00:14:44,217 --> 00:14:45,618 All right, Trubotsky, new challenge, 396 00:14:45,685 --> 00:14:46,853 and this one's big. 397 00:14:46,920 --> 00:14:48,688 But so is the cash reward. 398 00:14:48,755 --> 00:14:50,991 For $1,000-- 399 00:14:51,058 --> 00:14:52,659 you heard me-- all you have to do 400 00:14:52,725 --> 00:14:53,893 is get up there on the news 401 00:14:53,961 --> 00:14:55,395 and do one of these. 402 00:15:03,236 --> 00:15:04,504 What the hell is that? 403 00:15:04,571 --> 00:15:06,339 TED, LILY, MARSHALL: The Ickey Shuffle. 404 00:15:06,406 --> 00:15:08,641 And as you do it, you say this: 405 00:15:08,708 --> 00:15:10,010 "Elbert Ickey Woods, 406 00:15:10,077 --> 00:15:12,712 "the Bengals were fools to cut you in '91. 407 00:15:12,779 --> 00:15:15,215 "Your 1,525 rushing yards 408 00:15:15,282 --> 00:15:17,550 "and your 27 touchdowns will not be forgotten. 409 00:15:17,617 --> 00:15:21,688 So Coach Dave Shula, screw you and your crappy steakhouse." 410 00:15:23,023 --> 00:15:25,292 Just write it down for me. 411 00:15:25,358 --> 00:15:26,994 What do I care? It's not like 412 00:15:27,060 --> 00:15:28,695 anyone's watching, anyway, right? 413 00:15:30,830 --> 00:15:33,900 Man, she's gonna cry. 414 00:15:33,967 --> 00:15:37,904 It's the law of love, chunk. 415 00:15:37,971 --> 00:15:40,240 Thanks, Lil. 416 00:15:40,307 --> 00:15:43,276 So, the next night, I took Natalie out to dinner... 417 00:15:43,343 --> 00:15:45,245 to do the mature thing. 418 00:15:45,312 --> 00:15:48,581 Look, uh, Natalie, there's something I have to say. 419 00:15:48,648 --> 00:15:49,816 Oh, wait, wait. 420 00:15:49,882 --> 00:15:51,318 There's something I have to say first. 421 00:15:51,384 --> 00:15:53,520 Today, at work, I had not one, not two, 422 00:15:53,586 --> 00:15:55,388 but three birthday cakes. 423 00:15:55,455 --> 00:15:57,624 So tonight, can we just skip the cake? 424 00:15:57,690 --> 00:16:00,093 Today's your birthday? 425 00:16:00,160 --> 00:16:02,529 Yeah. No, it's okay, I wasn't telling anyone about it. 426 00:16:02,595 --> 00:16:04,231 Today's your birthday! 427 00:16:04,297 --> 00:16:06,099 I... 428 00:16:06,166 --> 00:16:09,536 I didn't get you anything. 429 00:16:09,602 --> 00:16:11,204 Oh, it's okay. 430 00:16:11,271 --> 00:16:14,241 You know, you've already given me the best present of all. 431 00:16:15,508 --> 00:16:18,445 I can trust again. 432 00:16:20,613 --> 00:16:22,182 You're welcome. 433 00:16:27,087 --> 00:16:29,322 Oh, sir, much more wine. 434 00:16:37,464 --> 00:16:39,866 Henry, as New York's oldest hansom cab driver, 435 00:16:39,932 --> 00:16:41,134 you've seen quite a lot. 436 00:16:41,201 --> 00:16:43,370 In your past 60 years on the job, 437 00:16:43,436 --> 00:16:45,805 what is your most exciting memory? 438 00:16:45,872 --> 00:16:47,574 Well... 439 00:16:47,640 --> 00:16:48,641 Ah, this is it. 440 00:16:48,708 --> 00:16:49,909 Oh, boy, here we go. 441 00:16:49,976 --> 00:16:51,211 Everyone, everyone, 442 00:16:51,278 --> 00:16:53,080 if I may direct your attention to the television. 443 00:16:53,146 --> 00:16:56,516 You are about to see something amazing. 444 00:16:56,583 --> 00:16:57,850 And then, in '72, 445 00:16:57,917 --> 00:17:01,020 Mickey Mantle rode my cab 446 00:17:01,088 --> 00:17:03,790 for the fourth time. 447 00:17:03,856 --> 00:17:06,059 Come on, baby. Bring it home. 448 00:17:06,126 --> 00:17:09,062 But the most exciting moment-- 449 00:17:09,129 --> 00:17:12,799 that would have to be this one, right now. 450 00:17:12,865 --> 00:17:14,367 What? 451 00:17:14,434 --> 00:17:17,404 Look at me. I'm on TV. 452 00:17:17,470 --> 00:17:20,907 I never thought I'd have my story told. 453 00:17:20,973 --> 00:17:24,844 Thank you, Miss Robin Trubotsky. 454 00:17:24,911 --> 00:17:26,479 Thank you. 455 00:17:26,546 --> 00:17:28,481 And right then, Aunt Robin realized 456 00:17:28,548 --> 00:17:30,717 how important her job truly was. 457 00:17:30,783 --> 00:17:33,386 It's an honor to tell your story, Henry. 458 00:17:33,453 --> 00:17:35,288 You know, Metro News One 459 00:17:35,355 --> 00:17:38,125 may not be number one in viewership, 460 00:17:38,191 --> 00:17:40,760 but this reporter takes pride in... 461 00:17:40,827 --> 00:17:42,129 Whoa! Oh...! 462 00:17:42,195 --> 00:17:45,132 Oh, my God, I'm covered in horse crap! 463 00:17:45,198 --> 00:17:47,600 Oh, my... it's in my hair. 464 00:17:47,667 --> 00:17:49,402 You planned that? 465 00:17:49,469 --> 00:17:51,338 Ow, my knee! Ow! No, Marshall. 466 00:17:51,404 --> 00:17:54,507 That was beyond my wildest dreams. 467 00:17:56,008 --> 00:17:58,311 So, if you ever come to Alabama, 468 00:17:58,378 --> 00:18:01,181 my mom throws these huge crawfish boils, 469 00:18:01,248 --> 00:18:03,716 and she's just dying to meet you, by the way. 470 00:18:03,783 --> 00:18:05,252 Look, Natalie, there's something I have to say, 471 00:18:05,318 --> 00:18:06,819 and, uh, there's no good way to say it. 472 00:18:08,221 --> 00:18:09,622 I want to break up. 473 00:18:11,224 --> 00:18:12,725 I don't think you're the one for me. 474 00:18:14,093 --> 00:18:15,395 I don't want to waste your time, 475 00:18:15,462 --> 00:18:16,796 because I really like you. 476 00:18:16,863 --> 00:18:18,365 I want to do right by you, 477 00:18:18,431 --> 00:18:21,901 and I think the best way for me to do that is just to be honest. 478 00:18:21,968 --> 00:18:24,204 I'm sorry. 479 00:18:27,039 --> 00:18:28,641 Oh, God, just let it out. 480 00:18:28,708 --> 00:18:31,544 They're only tears. 481 00:18:34,514 --> 00:18:36,249 Aah! 482 00:18:36,316 --> 00:18:38,218 I'm not the one for you?! 483 00:18:38,285 --> 00:18:39,686 I'm sorry, I just... 484 00:18:39,752 --> 00:18:41,588 I-I-I thought the mature thing to do... 485 00:18:41,654 --> 00:18:42,555 It's my birthday! 486 00:18:42,622 --> 00:18:43,856 Yes, I know. I didn't realize... 487 00:18:43,923 --> 00:18:45,258 It's my birthday, 488 00:18:45,325 --> 00:18:47,194 and you're telling me I'm not the one for you?! 489 00:18:47,260 --> 00:18:49,262 It's really not such a big deal. 490 00:18:49,329 --> 00:18:52,499 I mean, the odds-- it's like you lost the lottery. 491 00:18:52,565 --> 00:18:54,567 Oh, so dating you is like winning the lottery?! 492 00:18:54,634 --> 00:18:56,369 No, no, no, no, I didn't mean that. 493 00:18:56,436 --> 00:18:57,904 Okay, so what's the problem?! 494 00:18:57,970 --> 00:19:00,540 I... I... I can't explain it. 495 00:19:00,607 --> 00:19:01,174 Try! 496 00:19:01,241 --> 00:19:03,276 It's... ineffable. 497 00:19:03,343 --> 00:19:06,012 I'm not effable? 498 00:19:06,078 --> 00:19:07,747 No, no, no, no. "Ineffable." 499 00:19:07,814 --> 00:19:10,049 "Ineffable" means it can't be explained. 500 00:19:10,116 --> 00:19:11,184 Oh, so I'm stupid? 501 00:19:11,251 --> 00:19:12,685 Oh, God, what's going on? 502 00:19:12,752 --> 00:19:15,288 Okay, what's going on is you broke my heart 503 00:19:15,355 --> 00:19:17,257 over my answering machine 504 00:19:17,324 --> 00:19:18,791 on my birthday, 505 00:19:18,858 --> 00:19:21,661 waited three years for me to get over you, 506 00:19:21,728 --> 00:19:24,197 tracked me down, begged me to go out with you again, 507 00:19:24,264 --> 00:19:26,098 only so you could dump me 508 00:19:26,165 --> 00:19:28,968 three weeks later, again, on my birthday! 509 00:19:29,035 --> 00:19:31,238 No, it's-it's-it's not like that. 510 00:19:31,304 --> 00:19:33,473 I'm just... it's-it's-it's... 511 00:19:33,540 --> 00:19:34,307 What?! 512 00:19:34,374 --> 00:19:37,410 I'm just, like, super busy right now. 513 00:19:37,477 --> 00:19:39,812 Remember when Natalie said... 514 00:19:39,879 --> 00:19:42,582 I have my Krav Maga class in half an hour. 515 00:19:42,649 --> 00:19:45,452 Turns out Krav Maga is not a kind of yoga. 516 00:19:45,518 --> 00:19:47,254 It's a form of guerrilla street fighting 517 00:19:47,320 --> 00:19:48,888 developed by the Israeli army. 518 00:19:50,022 --> 00:19:51,424 ( grunts ) 519 00:19:54,093 --> 00:19:55,362 This is compliments 520 00:19:55,428 --> 00:19:56,896 of those two gentlemen at the bar. 521 00:19:58,130 --> 00:19:59,198 ( mockingly ): My knee! 522 00:19:59,266 --> 00:20:01,834 It's in my hair! 523 00:20:03,970 --> 00:20:06,673 But isn't it nice to know people are watching? 524 00:20:09,576 --> 00:20:11,311 MARSHALL: Oh, my God. 525 00:20:11,378 --> 00:20:12,645 Are you all right? 526 00:20:12,712 --> 00:20:14,247 LILY: What happened to you? 527 00:20:14,314 --> 00:20:15,882 I told the truth. 528 00:20:15,948 --> 00:20:19,919 Turns out the truth has a mean roundhouse kick. 529 00:20:19,986 --> 00:20:21,187 Oh, man. 530 00:20:21,254 --> 00:20:22,789 Oh, well, you did the right thing. 531 00:20:22,855 --> 00:20:23,990 I'm proud of you. 532 00:20:24,056 --> 00:20:25,625 I'm bleeding internally. 533 00:20:25,692 --> 00:20:28,428 Hey, Ted, you know what always picks me up when I'm down? 534 00:20:28,495 --> 00:20:29,462 Other people's misfortune. 535 00:20:29,529 --> 00:20:30,630 You missed something so amazing. 536 00:20:30,697 --> 00:20:32,365 Please, can we just have one person 537 00:20:32,432 --> 00:20:34,100 in this whole bar who didn't see it? 538 00:20:34,166 --> 00:20:35,201 ( sighs ): Fine. 539 00:20:35,268 --> 00:20:37,003 Are you okay? 540 00:20:37,069 --> 00:20:38,505 I really thought I was doing it 541 00:20:38,571 --> 00:20:39,939 the good way this time. 542 00:20:40,006 --> 00:20:41,674 I guess there is no good way. 543 00:20:41,741 --> 00:20:42,909 Sometimes, 544 00:20:42,975 --> 00:20:45,612 no matter how hard you try to do the right thing, 545 00:20:45,678 --> 00:20:47,614 you just end up flat on your back, 546 00:20:47,680 --> 00:20:49,782 flailing around in a big pile of horse crap. 547 00:20:49,849 --> 00:20:50,683 You saw it? 548 00:20:50,750 --> 00:20:52,752 My phone gets the Internet now. 549 00:20:52,819 --> 00:20:54,754 ( chuckling ) 550 00:20:54,821 --> 00:20:56,523 It's okay... 551 00:20:56,589 --> 00:20:59,258 And that's how it ended with Natalie. 552 00:20:59,326 --> 00:21:02,028 No happily ever after, just a whole lot of hurt. 553 00:21:02,094 --> 00:21:03,663 And just like that, 554 00:21:03,730 --> 00:21:07,567 all those wonderful memories were replaced... by this one. 555 00:21:07,634 --> 00:21:09,536 But, you know, bad as that night was, 556 00:21:09,602 --> 00:21:11,371 within a year, Natalie was married. 557 00:21:11,438 --> 00:21:13,673 And now she has three beautiful children. 558 00:21:13,740 --> 00:21:15,708 So that's the upside of hurt. 559 00:21:15,775 --> 00:21:18,611 Sometimes it happens for a reason. 560 00:21:18,678 --> 00:21:20,480 Wow. 561 00:21:20,547 --> 00:21:23,583 So you got beat up by a girl? 562 00:21:23,650 --> 00:21:26,085 Is that all you're taking away from this story? 563 00:21:26,152 --> 00:21:28,621 You got beat up by a girl. 564 00:21:28,688 --> 00:21:31,358 Hey, she knew Krav Maga.